Why Do I Have Such a Hard Time With This?

So many times I want to sit down and post something on my blog. Then I get here and stop and think, "what's on my mind?" I wonder what in the world I can write about this time. I think through what's been happening lately. Even that is hard to remember. I guess things must be pretty good for me overall, if I have such trouble thinking about what to write. I am so grateful for my health and my family's health; for the special people in my life; for my faith in God. There are a lot of folks out there right now going through hard times. Health issues, deaths, poverty, job loss, crises of faith, depression, house break-ins, the works. I pray that not only will I be aware of others going through tough times, but that I will always be aware of my fortune and not take anything for granted. Further, I pray that I will as much as possible go beyond awareness and take action to share my blessings or listen to another's misfortune; simply to do something to make others' lives better. I know I already do some of this. I do not do nearly enough, however. Always good intentions, but such poor follow-through. Just like so many aspects of my life, I guess this is another work in progress.

Yucky News

I just learned this afternoon of the unexpected death of a fellow church member. He was 33 years old and from what I hear, just didn't wake up this morning. He was one of those folks you don't quite call a friend necessarily, but to whom you would speak if you saw him out in public. He came to our house once to give me a quote on some work through the business he had founded, I believe. His wife I know even less, but I am so sad for her. It's a yucky day weather-wise here too, so I'm having a hard time feeling jolly around my kids. I'm going to go start supper, so I will have something to focus on.

CEU relief

I found out yesterday that I can go ahead and apply for inactive status as a speech pathologist. Once I get a job, I will have to reactivate and will be required to obtain only 10 CEU's (about 100 hours) during the first year of work. Then I'll be assigned a new three-year period in which to earn my next 30 CEU's. This takes a lot of pressure off for now. I will work toward getting CEU's in the meantime, however, since I think potential employers would like to see that I have made the effort to keep current. It's also good for my brain to learn new information. Since I last wrote about this topic, I earned my first .6 CEU's, and it only took me around 4.5 hours. That's not bad. The best part is they were free.

Birthday Cake

For my birthday cake this year, Jay and I went to our local Whole Foods bakery and ordered it. I picked out the flavor (chocolate cake with peanut butter buttercream frosting) and Jay decided what it should say. Then James picked it up and paid for it on my birthday. It worked out very well. James said everyone who touched the cake in the process of getting it home had a big smile when they saw it.

Catch 22

Okay. I've been looking into what it will take to get all of my continuing education units necessary to maintain my licence and certification as a speech-language pathologist. I need 30 CEU's by Dec. 31, 2009. That means roughly 300 hours of work, or 6 hours per week for 50 weeks. That's a lot! So I found out from the certification people that if I do not work as an SLP during the period of Jan. 1, 2007 through Dec. 31, 2009 (which I haven't so far), I can apply for inactive status. This would mean that for the first year I return to work, I will be required to earn 10 CEU's to make up for the inactive period. But that's more like 2 hours a week instead of 6. Plus I would be making some money then to help cover costs of acquiring CEU's. They can be very expensive (for example, an upcoming workshop being held in Raleigh for SLP's for .6 CEU's would cost close to $300). Fortunately, there are free CEU opportunities through private companies that I can earn online. There are similar online courses I can take for low-costs as well. So here's my dilemma: do I wait to go back to work (as an SLP) until after Dec. 31, 2009 so that I don't have to earn 30 CEU's in just over one year? Or do I go back to work when the time is right, and get started earning CEU's so I can meet my requirement by the deadline? One thing is for certain. Given my lifestyle right now, there is no way I can complete all the online courses needed in blocks of time here at my home computer desk. I will need a laptop with wireless access so I can take it with me to places like dance class, preschool, vacations, my parents' house, (probably not the grocery store), etc. and work on it whenever I get the chance. Plus James and I could both access the internet at the same time at home. I guess I've got to do some research to see what it would take to get properly equipped and how much it would cost. Anyone have a good lead on a cheap basic laptop that could download photos and email attachments and provide access to the internet with wireless capability? I guess it won't hurt anything to begin acquiring those free CEU's right away. Even if I end up not needing them because I don't go back to work for another year. Sometimes the system is really screwed up.

I made it!

I made it to 40 and had a great time celebrating the milestone with family and good friends. The day before my birthday, I completed 10 push-ups after my Curves workout. However, after taking this last week off from exercise I could not complete that many last night. So, my new goal is 10 full push-ups, but to be able to do them without pause or much strain. And my goal includes doing them every day, because I learned how quickly they faded away last night after a week off. So I'll keep you posted, of course.

I'm sure, however, that you if you are taking the time to read this blog you are interested in more than how many push-ups I can do. So what else can I tell you? I joined Facebook last month. So far it's fun to reconnect with old friends, but the reconnections haven't amounted to much more than requests to become friends and subsequent confirmations. It can be addicting, so I purposely try not to spend too much time there.

That's all I can think of at this hour. Must be too much dandruff weighing down on my brain!

Three-year-old language

Yesterday MC was trying to remember how old she is. We had recently observed that she passed 3 1/2 and is now 3 3/4. She said she was "three and three nickels". I love it!

Political Absurdity and Count-Down to 40

Thanks for your comments about my dandruff posting. I have found myself not checking my arms and shoulders for flakes as much this week. The burden is definitely lighter. And yes - I made my pushup goal! I'll update my goal to a new number and deadline soon.

I am really looking forward to the election being over. I have to say, though, there are two political ads that stand out as the most ridiculous one's I've encountered in this whole election season. The first one came in the mail addressed to James (a republican). It pictured John McCain and Hillary Clinton in one photo smiling and looking at one another as if they were teenagers in love. The ad went on to praise Hillary for opening the doors for girls in politics (including John McCain's three daughters). This from republicans who can't stand anything to do with a Clinton? Very genuine, I'm sure.

The second ridiculous ad was a tv commercial James and I saw last night. It was for Obama and talked about how if you wanted to see what America's future looks like with John McCain, all you have to do is look in your rear-view mirror. Then it showed George Bush smiling with John McCain in the rear-view mirror. It almost seemed like the same picture of McCain with Hillary (just substitute W). You don't think they could be faking some of those photographs, do you? Alas. These ads will all be over within 36 hours. I am voting tomorrow, hopefully when the line is not extremely long.

Much more fun for me, I am counting down the days until I turn 40. 5 more to go! My college friend Becky arrives into town on Thursday night to spend the weekend with me. I am really embracing this new decade and full of gratitude for all the blessings in my life.

Dandruff

I've been composing this post in my head for a while now. It's something I want to "come clean" about, if you will: I have a dandruff problem.

So now that I've said that, there are some other things that come to mind related to that statement.

1. Those of you who are close to me may already be aware that I have dandruff.
2. If you already knew, you can stop worrying that I don't know about it, because I do.
3. I have tried a variety of shampoos and conditioners for dandruff and other scalp-conditions.
4. My dermatologist says that the best way to help it is to wash it every day.
5. I don't want to change my lifestyle so that I have to wash my hair every day.
6. The hair itself doesn't need to be washed every day. In fact, I think it's better for my hair not to wash it daily. It certainly is better for my daily living patterns, and of course uses less water.
7. I also color my hair and pay a significant portion of my budget to do it. Medicated shampoos make the color fade faster. I'm not willing to stop coloring my hair at this point.
   
8. The fall/winter seasons bring out my dark wardrobe. My coats are mostly brown or black. I like to wear turtlenecks of solid, dark colors.
   
9. Thus, my white dandruff is going to be more noticeable during the cooler months.
10. I know this sounds silly, but I want to make sure people still like me even though I have dandruff.
    
11. I really want to be able to relax and not worry about whether my dandruff is showing or not. I spend so much time trying to get it off me so that no one will notice it.
12. I want to be able to trust that others will not judge me for having dandruff.
13. But since I can't control whether or not others will judge me or think unkindly of me, I want to be able to be at peace if/when others do judge me for having dandruff.
14. I think dandruff is annoying and frustrating - and it really itches sometimes! But I don't want it to control what I feel comfortable doing. That is just not right.
15. So there you have it. If you have never noticed it before, you'll probably find yourself checking me out the next time you see me to see if you can spot any flakes. Go ahead - I am the one who has called your attention to it. Just know that it presents a self-esteem issue for me and help me defeat what power dandruff has over me by loving me anyway (or at least putting up with me for the time being!)
    

Some Biking Photos from the Weekend

A Sense of Calm

Today I am calmer than I have been over the past week. Between worries about the economy and how it may impact my family, my grandmother's new living situation, getting ready for my parents-in-law's visit this past weekend and chairing the nominating committee for the women's group at church, I have barely had a moment to think for myself. Much less a minute of feeling calm. (Oh and did I mention MC's urinary tract infection that led to a gazillion accidents, piles of laundry, and repeated battles to get medicine in her this weekend?) And James and I taught Sunday School yesterday too!

Anyway, MC's infection is under control with bribes of sugar, honey, and Oreos (so far) to get the medicine in her. And we had a very nice visit with James' parents. Plus, J figured out how to ride his new bike without training wheels while they were here. It was one of my favorite parenting moments ever. James would give him a push to start him off on a flat, grassy trail near our house. Once James let go, he stayed put and J pedalled as far away as he could. When he stopped, he looked back at how far he'd gone, got off his bike and ran to us with a huge grin, giving us high fives and big hugs. It was just great.

Today I was able to go to Curves and get in a good workout while MC was at school. It has been one month since I started their new Curves-Smart program. While I am the same weight I was a month ago, I lost a total of 4 inches from various parts of my body in the past month! Finally getting back on track feels good. And for a progress report, I was able to complete 5 man-pushups after my workout today for the first time ever. My goal is to be able to do 8 by my birthday on November 8th.

Can't Sleep

I woke up about 40 minutes ago needing to use the bathroom. Just as I got into the bathroom, J came out of his room - not sure he was awake. I spoke to him and asked him if he wanted to go first. He said yes, and got a drink of water. Then he went back toward his room. I asked again if he wanted to use the bathroom and he said yes. But he put himself back in bed. So I tucked him in and went back to the bathroom. Then I couldn't get back to sleep. I hate lying in bed trying to go back to sleep, so I got up. I know that sitting here in front of the computer is probably not sleep-inducive. However, I thought maybe it would at least be an outlet for some of the thoughts going through my mind.

My friend Danielle, whom I met at Curves, came over for supper tonight. The kids had never met her but were so excited that she was coming. They even sat outside on the front steps watching for her for several minutes before she came. Once she arrived they started showing her magic tricks and asking her questions and I don't know what all. I had biscuit dough on my hands when she came so I called to her from the kitchen. James had to help her make her exit to come say hello to me! She was wonderful with the kids - they immediately loved her. It was the first time she and my family had met. I was very proud to introduce them all. MC insisted that we sing the Church Girls and Operator songs from the Follies. We also sang the "spit in your eye song" ("I Cain't Say No" from Oklahoma!). She loves to sing this song with me. I will sing the first part of a line and let her finish it. It is too cute. Jay even came up to sing Operator with us. Oh my. I know Danielle had no idea what she was in for when she accepted my invitation to dinner.

Oh, and by the way, J's clean laundry is currently in his room. He got it out of the dryer by himself, on his own initiative. I asked him if he'd like my help folding it. He first said yes, but changed his mind when I got there, saying he thought he could do it himself. So I left him alone with it (and with his sister who cheerfully volunteered to help him fold it). I think he got maybe 1/3 of it folded, from the looks of it in the basket. I also know it made it to his room. Since it was James' night to read to J, I don't know if it made it into his drawers yet or not. But he has plenty of clean underwear now.

Update to today's post

FYI, there is currently a load of laundry containing only J's clothes that is being washed in the washer. He came to the basement to show me something while I was working on the laundry. I asked, "Are you sure you don't want to do laundry now? I haven't started the next load." -"no thank you." "You are collecting a pile of dirty clothes down here (pointing to his pile)." "Are they clean or dirty?" "Dirty. Do you want to wash them now?" "No." (However at this point he picked up his pile of clothes and put them in the empty washer.) Once he had loaded his clothes, I talked him through the next steps. He did it all with no complaining. Maintained a happy attitude. Next I talked him through the steps for starting the dryer (even though the wet clothes were not his) and he did. Hopefully the follow-through will go just as smoothly to get his clean clothes put away.

Regaining My Parental Authority

I've decided that J needs to learn how to do laundry. I arrived at this decision this week, after J ran out of clean underwear and had to wear the same pair two days in a row. I found myself apologizing to him profusely and promising I would have clean underwear available for him after his next shower. He surprisingly handled it very well. No fits, no talking back. As I think about it, this makes sense. Because he had all the power in our exchange. The way I kept saying I was sorry put him in the driver's seat. It's no wonder he didn't say "well make sure you do get me clean underwear, woman!" right back to me. The fact of the matter is that I have been asking him to put his dirty clothes in one spot for years now. Some times he does and some times he does not. When he does not, I've been picking up after him. Now I will admit that most of his dirty underwear got to the bottom of the whites pile, and I hadn't gotten around to washing the clothes on the bottom in a while - they kept piling up on top. So the next day (after providing him with two clean pairs of underwear) I told him I was going to show him how to do the laundry this weekend. He said no, he would not learn that. "Why should I?" he asked. I told him I might break my leg like Grandma did and couldn't get to the basement to do the laundry. Besides, I said, everyone should know how to clean their own clothes. Meanwhile, I have stopped washing his clothes. Each time I start a new load, I let him know and say he has an opportunity to learn how to operate the washing machine (I'm starting small.) I have told him that if he doesn't learn how to do it, he might just run out of clean clothes. His response? The first time I said this he went into a huge fit. The second time, "I don't care." My plan is to let him know when I'm beginning a new load of laundry each time and give him the opportunity to get his clothes clean. Each time he refuses, I won't put any of his clothes in the washing machine. I've warned James that I'm doing this. I hope he won't get any of the backlash, but I don't want my son to be one of those kids who feels entitled (in this case to clean laundry) simply because he exists. Some might consider this mean. I hope one day his wife will appreciate my efforts.

Rite of Passage

This weekend James and J and I were having a discussion about where all of our calculators had gotten to. I started to say, "I bought two of them (to put in stockings at Christmas)..." and then I stopped before I got to the part in parentheses. J's eyes got wide and he said "You said you bought them. That means that Santa Claus isn't really real!!!!" I stood there like a deer in headlights with a look that gave it all away. There was no more denying it. So James and I came clean. I even told him I was 8 when I figured it out just like him. I asked if he would like to help me pick out something for MC's stocking and he said yes, with his face lit up. I told him I trusted him with this information - not to spoil it for his sister or anyone else who still believes. I also told him what my mother told me. If you say you don't believe in Santa anymore, he will stop coming to bring you presents. Honestly, I'm kind of relieved. He has been asking questions for a while now and I've been wondering how I would answer them. I'm uploading a picture of him from his 8th birthday party. Can't believe how the time flies! This picture was taken at the point of the Happy Birthday song that goes "dear J..." (but you could probably figure that out yourself!)

Going Cold Turkey on Clean House

Today I decided I need to take the tv show "Clean House" out of my DVR to-do list and delete all the previously recorded episodes. It isn't helping anymore. It's making me feel bad about the clutter in my house and the dust bunnies and dirt. It used to inspire me to get up and do something about it. But now I think it is contributing to the problem. If nothing else, I could be doing so many more things with my time than watching this show on tv. Even without watching the commercials I often spend an hour or more of each day watching the Clean House crew clean up other people's clutter and analyze why it got out of hand to begin with. To top it off, there is a new spin-off show called "Clean House Comes Clean." In this show the crew talk about things that happened during filming that they didn't show on the original episodes. Now I really don't need to be watching this too. Plus, when I'm watching these shows, I want to eat a snack (and often do). I sit there and think about how I have rooms in my house that look like what I'm seeing on TV. All bad stuff for my body and soul. So I'm stopping that old habit. Don't know what I'll replace it with, but sleep might be one good idea. Anyway, I'm looking for a new inspiration to mop the floors and clean the toilets, and mostly to stop the negative self-talk that's creeping in and keeping me from doing anything about the clutter. So wish me luck.

Pretend Play Can Be Very Real

Just now MC came up the stairs in tears. She had been crying quietly downstairs while she was playing with her stuffed animals and dolls. I didn't hear her, but I know this because she was in that post-crying stage when a person sniffs a lot and tries to catch her breath. She went in her room and closed her door. I went in after her and asked if she was okay because she seemed so sad. She sat on her bed and said something like this: "It's just that Lucy and Sally want me to live with them but Thumper wanted me to live at his house." I guess she really felt torn about whom she would choose because they all wanted to be with her and she wanted to be with all of them. I told her she could tell them they could all live with her instead, and that seemed to help. Then I held her in my lap and read her a couple of books. So precious.

Two Kids in School

I am happy to report that both of my kids have now started school. MC began preschool yesterday. J is in his second week of third grade. Since tomorrow is J's birthday, I have been very busy in my alone time so far. Tomorrow looks to be another busy day to prepare the house for his magic party that begins at 4:30. After my errands today, I think I'll have everything I need for the party here. I do have to get a mylar balloon filled and pick up a cake tomorrow. I now have to concentrate on straightening the house for five 8-year-olds to play games and have a magic show. The last time I checked the weather, tropical storm Hannah was predicted to bring rain on the party. That means that all activities have to be inside. We do have a great back yard for parties, but it will have to serve that purpose another year. If Hannah changes her path, we can always take some of the games outside.

Politics

I am not sure why, but this year, I am simply not excited about the upcoming election. It really has less to do with who the candidates are and more to do with me just not being interested in keeping up with it all. I am usually a faithful watcher of the democratic convention, and even tune in to parts of the republican convention so I can see what they're up to. But I have yet to watch any convention coverage this week. In my over-analysis, I think it's due at least in part to a combination of things. First, I just spent a great deal of time watching the Olympics and losing sleep as a result. I feel too tired to stay up and watch the convention at night. School started this week, so I can't sleep in anymore and I have to get to bed earlier than my summer schedule allowed me. The second thing is that I have lost my excitement about politics since my choice for NC Governor, Bob Orr, came in last in the republican primaries. He is a member of my church and a good man. I even changed my registration to independent so I could vote for him in the primary election. Lastly, I am really coming to like my new Independent/Unaffiliated political status. It reminds me of when I was in college. I rushed to be in a sorority my freshman year and fell through, as they say. It was devastating to me, but I soon realized that being an "Independent" suited my personality much more than being associated with a particular sorority. So much so, that when one sorority actively recruited me my sophomore year, I felt strong and independent and confident that I didn't need nor want to be involved in "Greek" life. So I turned them down. I guess I'm sort of going through a rebellious period with politics. It's like I'm in the stage right after falling through Rush and just discovering that being independent is a true blessing.

Milestones

Yesterday was a big day for both of my kids. Here are some photos from MC's first day of dance class. Her teacher said her class was very bright and she will be "upgrading" the class from Creative Movement, which it is called now, to Creative Pre-Ballet sometime this fall. That just means she'll actually start using some ballet terms with the movements as they learn them.
Jay started third grade. This picture was taken when he got home. He's wearing his new backpack to replace the one he had the last 3 years. So far he reports that 3rd grade is better than 2nd. One big plus is that his 4 closest friends at school are all in his class. We're all looking forward to a good year.
As for me, I am happy to be returning to a more structured and routine-filled home life. MC is home this week, but starts preschool next Wednesday. Then I'll have 5 mornings a week without the kids to do Helen-directed activities.

Endorphins

It feels good to exercise. That is a statement I wouldn't have made in my earlier life. But now it really does feel good. This summer my exercise has been irregular and I'm looking forward to making it more regular. With both kids in school 5 days a week coming up, I hope to be at Curves 3 times a week and run 2-3 times a week. I'll also have taekwando twice a week. Today I was able to complete 3 full push-ups for the first time ever. A newspaper article that's posted in Curves says an adult female should be able to do 17 of them. I don't remember who made that determination or how it came about, but it's a worthy goal. If I'm on my knees, I can do more like 10 or 12 push-ups. This has all come about through taekwando.
By the way, J has added Taekwando Instructor to his list of things he wants to be when he grows up. James suggested that he could be the first zero-gravity taekwando instructor and J thought that was a great idea.

slideshow feature

I added a new blog gadget today. It's a cat-photo slideshow. I can change the topic of the slideshow. I'm hoping I can figure out how to use some of my own photos. Meanwhile, I typed in "cat" and these appeared. If the changing of the photos bothers you, click on the photo and you'll see the pause button which you can click to stop it while you're reading. I'll try it for a while and see if I like it.

Approaching 40

I've been thinking a lot lately about my upcoming birthday - the big 4-0. I have several friends who have passed this milestone recently and they appear to be thriving. I guess I am thriving too, but I certainly have a good deal of analyzing and reflecting and wondering going on. At times it feels like what they call a mid-life crisis, but when I take a closer look, there really is no crisis, which makes it feel more like a crisis. Where's the crisis that I'm supposed to be having?! Of course I really don't want a crisis. I just feel like I need to be prepared for one. So I'm working out all of my latest contingency plans for anything that could possibly go wrong. The way I work, I am ready and willing to edit my plans as/if needed. I just conjur them up so I can feel like I at least have a starting point should such crisis arrive at my door. I allow that I really can't anticipate how I will react in the moment, so I am okay if I need to revise my plan. In the midst of all this crisis thinking, I am also looking back at what I've accomplished (with God's help) in my 39 years, and it's not bad. Here are some of the highlights (in random order):

• ran a 5K
• started taking Taekwando lessons
• married 11 years
• two wonderful children
• earned master's degree
• travelled to Europe several times
• own a home
• have many good friendships that have lasted over the years
• maintain a good relationship with my parents and family
• started a blog and write in it occasionally

Of course there are more, but these feel good to me right now. I'll work on setting some goals for my 40's.

I'm Still Here

I'm still here, just haven't blogged in a while. The family went to Hilton Head for a week with James' parents, which was fun. We've also been taking family tae kwan do lessons this summer; and that has been at times interesting, challenging and fun. It's consistently been exhausting both physically and mentally (especially for James and me when it comes to motivating certain family members to participate). Swimming lessons have gone well. Both kids are making good strides. J has one more week of camp starting tomorrow, and he will have lessons this week as part of that. MC finishes up her lessons this week too. I swam some laps of sorts during one of her lessons last week instead of sitting in a chair watching her. I'll do some more of that this week too, I think.

We're going to the mountains with my folks for a few days next week too. I'll enjoy the cooler weather there (hopefully it will continue to be cooler there than here when we go).

I'm drawing a blank about what to write now, but I'll try to come back again soon.

Mama Bird

I have been watching this mama bird (maybe a wren - she's very small) build and rebuild a nest several times at the top of one of our front porch columns. It's a popular spot for nests each spring. We've seen baby birds over the last few years. This year has been especially stressful for the parents. Probably 3 nests have been blown down or otherwise destroyed so far this year. But now the nest is complete, and Mama sits dutifully on her eggs (can't see how many). She is committed to her task of keeping her babies safe. I can relate to that. Watching her sacrifice so much for her offspring is inspiring. And only too soon will her babies be able to fly on their own and take care of themselves. It's a big sacrifice, but I'm so glad my mother and all the other mothers in my family tree made it. And I feel blessed and privileged to be able to "sit on my eggs" and tend to my nest. I only have to think of this Mama Bird when I get tired and frustrated with my mother role. When I do, my resolve and willingness to do whatever it takes to teach my children how to fly on their own returns.

And Happy Birthday to my own Mama Bird! I love you!

Update

Turns out my tooth with its new filling is fine. Apparently what I was experiencing was just "all in my head"! (You've got to laugh at that one!) I'm back to eating crunchy and chewy foods.

As for the washer/dryer, I've decided to purchase the set. My plan is to do it tomorrow online, so that delivery will be pushed back to after our vacation. I'm looking forward to my new machines.

I just checked out two more books, The New Ecological Home: A Complete Guide to Green Building Options and Redux: Designs That Reuse, Recycle, and Reveal. I am enjoying thinking about the remodeling of our house in a new way - to make it functional, comfortable, healthy, and green, while trying to stay within our current walls (the outside ones, at least).

I'm still reading Do It Herself: Everything You Need to Know to Fix, Maintain, and Improve Your Home by Joanne Liebeler. Lynn, I would highly recommend it for you. It's written by women for women and has humor throughout. J has even read some of it and said he finds it "interesting". I recently said to James that I think J would make a great architect someday, and J thought of that himself and announced it to me the other day! He now wants to be an astronaut/scientist/inventor/architect. I think I remembered all the titles-between-the-slashes.

Swimming, Dentist, and Washer/Dryer

Swimming lessons are going great for both kids. MC has learned how to blow bubbles in the water, which is the first step. Now to get her to put her whole face in the water... J is advancing quickly. His teacher yesterday almost recommended for him to move up to level 3, but decided he is probably good where he is and can use this time to refine what he's learned so far. He is trying everything asked of him and building on his confidence as a swimmer more and more. Both kids seem proud of their accomplishments so far and James and I are certainly proud of them too.

Yesterday I went to the dentist to have a filling replaced. Afterwards it was extremely sore and sharp pains came when I bit down or even accidentally closed my teeth together. The dentist actually called me at home last night to see how I was doing and when I described what was going on he said I should come back today to get it fixed. He mentioned something about preventing a root canal! My imagination is making this thing turn into major oral surgery. If I do have to have a root canal, they had better sedate me.

I am trying to decide whether to purchase a new washer/dryer set. Our dryer is 15-20 years old and not working as efficiently as I would like. Our washer was purchased and installed the weekend before J was born. It still works fine, but the new front-loading washers are so much more water and energy-efficient that it might be worthwhile getting a new washer too. I just joined Costco, and they are offering a good special on a Whirlpool Duet washer/dryer pair. I have to purchase them online before this Sunday to take advantage of this offer. If anyone has any advice, please let me know.

My Latest Thoughts

Today the kids have swimming lessons at the neighborhood pool (assuming the weather cooperates). J just figured out how to swim on the surface and underwater without holding his nose. He goes as far as he can for as long as he can hold his breath. He begins at level 2 today, but I expect this summer he will advance quickly. MC is repeating level 1 after a one-week hiatus. We will be at the beach with access to a pool in a couple of weeks, and I'm hoping they will solidify what they've learned so far.

Last week was Vacation Bible School at church. Both of my kids went and had fun too. Imagine that! I led the daily storytime for the whole group (which was around 80 kids) each morning. I had fun as well.

I checked out 3 books from the library last week: The Simple Home, How to Work with an Architect, and Do It Herself. So I've been thinking and dreaming about how to simplify our lives within our home and it's been an enjoyable thought process. Up until I read through these books, I'd been thinking that one day we'd have to add on to our home to get what we want out of it. But the theme throughout that I've discovered is that having less and more flexible space may be more suited to who we are as a family and what I want my kids to learn from the experience if/when we make significant changes to the house. Apparently a lot of people add on to their homes and then find they have spaces that they don't know how to use - wasted space. If/when we add on or remodel, I want to have the least possible impact on the environment while staying within our budget (which I hope to keep as small as possible). So I'm now walking around our house thinking about how we could change it on the inside to maximize our space function and suit our lifestyle and values.

My kids really are good friends and for that I am truly greatful.

More Race Day Photos

Here are a few more pictures from Race Day. You can also see some on Sarah's blog.


It's hard to read here, but Sarah walked in memory of her friend Sue from London, who passed away last fall. I ran in celebration of "My Sister, Sarah Glover".

This was taken after I finished the race. My official time was 35:49, which equates to less than a 12-minute mile. The last person to finish the race took over an hour, so I am very pleased with my time. Here is a link to the results page for my age group: http://www.hermescleveland.com/roadracing/results/2008/NCTriangle/AGEGROUP.HTM#21

I want to run again next year with the goal of beating this year's time by some amount yet to be determined.

Success

I did it - I finished the race and ran all the way. My friend Amanda ran with me and talked to me when we were going up the hills and I couldn't talk. Sarah was at the finish line to see me complete my first 5K. It was a thrilling and awesome and amazing experience. This video was taken by my father before Sarah and I began the 5K route again during the coed recreational walk/run. (We didn't realize he was in video mode on his camera so we were just standing there waiting for him to take our picture.) We pushed my niece E in the stroller as we walked. The temperature rose significantly and a lot of the shade disappeared in the 2 hours since my 7:00 am race - this one was hot. I appreciated my hat and sunglasses very much. It was a great day. But I had little energy left the rest of the day!

Tomorrow's the Day!

Tomorrow is racing day. Thanks be to God, I am ready. The smoke from the eastern NC wildfire was very thick yesterday, but better today. I'm praying that it will remain clear for the race tomorrow. I'm not sure I could run in the air conditions present yesterday.

It's hard to believe the time is here, and that five months ago I couldn't run a mile and in fact had never tried to run before. Many thanks to Sarah for the inspiration and to Bernadette and my family and friends for all of your encouragement. Thank you James for your support and childcare during my training. Thank you to everyone who has contributed financially. Together we have raised $1300 to date, exceeding my $1000 goal!

Let's go find that Cure!

First Day of Summer Vacation

I'd say the day is going pretty well so far. The kids have played well together and separately, and best of all, have not required very much of me! I've done 3 loads of laundry (actually the third is in progress), loaded the dishwasher, updated my Quicken accounts on the computer and checked to see how I'm doing with my monthly budget. Solomon came out from under our bed when I was folding clothes on it a little while ago. Despite the kids' current high-pitched shrieks downstairs, he has followed me to the computer and is getting some lap time right now. He has switched from being an outside cat in the day and inside at night to outside at night and inside during the day. Given our recent heat wave, that's a good idea for an 11-year old black cat. We didn't name him Solomon for nothing!

Got to go check on the kids.

Last Day of Second Grade

Now (March 2008)

Then (Sept 2001)

Today is J's last day of school. James and I went to what will likely be the first of numerous awards celebrations for him yesterday. He was recognized for his national placement on a math competition that he took part in after school in March. There were quite a few others from his school who were recognized with him, including some who performed better than him in his grade level. When he stood up he was obviously very proud of himself, as he should be, and he has never gotten upset that he did not finish the highest among his school peers. This is a mark of some maturity and a little relaxing of his perfectionism, which makes me proud. It was good to see how far he has come.

No More Chips

I just ate the bag of chips I brought home with me.

What I Did

After dropping off MC at camp, I went to the bank to deposit a check for J's savings account and to cash some checks that I had collected for a friend whose mother just died last week. She has 4 boys ages 3 to 8, so a group of us thought a babysitting fund would be helpful for her. Then I stopped by her house and delivered the cash. I was able to stay and talk with her for a few minutes and learn a little more about her mother. I enjoyed my time with her.

Then I drove to the mall, sale coupons in hand, to buy myself something. First I stopped at Panera Bread for my breakfast/lunch and took the time to sit down and eat it. Then I went to Eddie Bauer, my favorite clothing store, and looked, picked up several things for me and for Father's Day presents, then put them all back, feeling that nothing was "calling" to me, whatever that means.

So I stopped at Sharper Image, which is going out of business and where everything is on sale, but still rather pricy, where I shopped for Father's Day stuff, but left with nothing. I did run into the mother of one of J's best friends, and we talked about planning some time for the two kids to spend together this summer. I hope we don't fall through on that. I'll do my best.

Lastly I went to Belk, looking for dresses. I found lots of dresses marked 50% off, and even tried on two of them. Again, they were close, but not "calling" to me to spend the money on them. I did get a cell phone call from a friend while I was shopping, which was good. It's always good to talk with her. So I left the mall empty-handed, but my purse still contains the unopened bag of chips that came with my sandwich. Yes, I said unopened!

So I picked up MC from camp, which she said she "hated" and I remarked that that was a strong word for such a little person. This remark didn't phase her. She's ready for our beach trip, which won't be until mid-July.

And now I'm here writing this down on my blog.

I think I enjoyed most of my morning. I certainly enjoyed the air conditioning at the mall in this 99-degree humid heat! And I enjoyed moving at my own pace and connecting with some nice people at various points in my morning. And my sandwich was very good too.

What to do?

Now here is a very unusual predicament for me: I don't know what I'm going to do with my free time today! Today is MC's last day (morning) of camp and J is still in school. I had plans to meet a friend for bagels but she just called to reschedule, so my morning is now freed up.

I hear my perfectionism calling - this has to be the perfect day!! I must make the most of it. Maybe I can keep that "p" word from rearing its ugly head any more than it already has. I think the main thing is that I should enjoy whatever I do. So I will now get dressed to take MC to camp and see where that leads me.

I'll keep you posted, because I know you are anxiously waiting to find out what I will do today (thanks for being interested).

I've been tagged!

I've been tagged by Marie. To learn more about Marie, go to Sarah's blog where she has a link to Marie's blog. I read what Sarah wrote after Marie tagged her, and I like the concept. My only problem is I only know Sarah and Marie who blog and they have already been tagged. So I guess I won't be able to tag anyone else at this time, but I'll play along by following the first of three blog-tag rules. The rules are: 1) Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog, some random, some weird. 2) Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs. 3) Let them know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

7 Weird/Random Facts about Helen:

1. I am a speech pathologist with a word-finding problem, yet rarely at a loss for words.

2. I have, according to my sister who read a book on palm-reading, a "murderer's thumb" on my left hand.

3. I am left-handed for detailed work and right-handed for power work (having a murderer's thumb really helps with those details!).

4. I finally made the middle school cheerleading squad after trying out three times, and even then I got on as a substitute, or back-up cheerleader (I think there is a better-sounding label for what I was, but as I mentioned I have this word-finding, oh yes: alternate.)

5. I like cucumbers but really dislike pickles.

6. I have trouble understanding the lyrics of songs on the radio. (I thought the words "...the heat of the moment" in a song I heard in elementary school were actually "Lead on the Mormons" - really, ask Sarah.)

7. People tell me I'm funny and it always surprises me (I think most of my sense of humor lies between parentheses marks, actually).

8. A bonus fact: I love doing this sort of thing (basically I like to talk about myself, or anything I can get anyone to listen to - I love an audience :)

So Proud of Him

I am so proud of my son, who participated fully in yesterday's choir singing in church. We got to church on time, with relatively little morning stress. He told me he would be able to handle it and he was right. I don't know what helped him overcome his anxiety yesterday that wasn't present in him before, but I suspect, in addition to God's blessing, he simply willed it to happen. The end of the year party was on the line, afterall. I am happy to say our whole family will be attending this event Wednesday night.

Reaching My Goal

Today I ran a longer course around the neighborhood than I had before. It took me about 40 minutes to complete, and I was anxious to drive it and determine how many miles I had run. Well, it turns out that my mileage today was exactly 3.1 miles. This number just happens to be equal to 5K. So I have made my goal. When you do the math, I ran on average 1 mile in 13 minutes. The first time I could run a mile it took me around 18 minutes, if I recall correctly. It feels good to see what I have been able to accomplish. The Komen Race for the Cure is June 14, which is exactly 4 weeks from today. I'll be starting at the end of the group of competitive runners. I certainly won't be anywhere near the front finishers, who will be running something like 5-minute miles, but that doesn't matter. I will be able to run the entire distance, and there is a chance I won't be the last person to finish in the competitive category. I have also exceeded my fundraising goal for the race. From Sarah's and my contacts, we have raised over $1100. My goal was $1000. Thank you to all of my supporters and fans of my sister. Sarah is doing great after her surgery, by the way, and she got a good/clean pathology report this time too - the first since she got the cancer diagnosis. Yay!

Letting Him Change His Mind

Well, J is back in choir. He approached me a few days ago, hoping I wouldn't be mad, and saying he really wanted to come back to choir. How could I say no? James asked him what made him change his mind, and you know what he said? "I just want Mommy to be happy." I told him I wanted him to be happy too, and I hoped he was coming back not just for me. He lost an opportunity for a solo part during his absence, but he handled that very well, and at last night's rehearsal participated 100%. I'm proud of him, and hope he will be able to handle singing in front of the congregation on May 18th. At least after that we're done for the summer.

This afternoon I get to go to J's school for a special treat. Since we won't be there tomorrow for the Mother's Day Breakfast (we're travelling out of state for a wedding), J gets to make his presentation about me to the class today. My mom will keep MC for me so that I can have this special time with just my son. I'm looking forward to it, and I purposely am not wearing mascara. My eyes might just leak a bit.

Church Girls

Here is a photo from the "Church Girls" number that I was in during the Millennium Follies.

Sarah's Doing Well

Sarah's surgery on Wednesday went as expected. She is at home and doing well. I am amazed and awed by the people who love her. She has good friends.

Girls in Boxes

This photo was taken of MC and her cousin E on Saturday when we went to visit E and her Mommy in Greensboro. Despite E's fever and overall not-feeling-well-ness, the girls had some fun playing together.

Letting Him Choose for Himself

This morning the choir I direct at church sang during the service. They did an excellent job, as usual. The hard part was my son wasn't there. That in itself is not unusual. He's been sporadically showing up to sing this year. If I'm honest, he's been sporadically participating in church choir ever since he began in the youngest choir 4 years ago. He loves to sing, but apparently gets nervous and embarrassed when in front of the congregation. Sundays when the choir sings have become extremely stressful for our whole family as a result of this conflict within him. So James and I decided to give him the choice of dropping out of choir for the rest of this year or finding it within him to participate as expected and staying with it through one more performance in May. After much hemming and hawing, he told us he had decided to not be in choir. I have to pretend that this doesn't matter to me. If I am honest, I really want him to be in choir. But I hate to see him in such torment. He was in tears at rehearsal on Wednesday night. Also if I'm honest, I want him to be in the choir because he wants to do it, not because he wants to please me. So it has to be okay for him to make this decision for himself. I have to be okay with his choice, too. And I will. But it is really hard. And I am holding out hope that he will join us again when choir resumes in the fall. Maybe some time to miss it will help him decide to come back. It's times like this when I'd rather be up all night for feedings and diaper changes than watch him grow up and decide things that don't match my expectations and hopes for him.

Life After the Follies

Well, we did it, and it was a great night. We had over 200 people in the audience and put on a show that touched people's emotions from many angles. Before expenses we had raised close to $25,000. This will put 5 Sudanese women through one year of Seminary in the Anglican church there, as well as provide funds to build two bathrooms in a dormitory that is being built for them.

I had a fun night. I got to dress up in Sarah's bridesmaid dress. My mom hemmed it so that I wouldn't trip over it on stage. She also took a sequiny/shiny silver piece of fabric belonging to my niece and turned it into a cummerbund which I wore over the dress to complete my fancy look. It was kind of like being Cinderella, though, because the next day my mom took out the hem and I've taken it to the cleaner's where they will press the crease from the temporary hem and make it look like it was before. I'll return it to Sarah this weekend when MC and I go to Greensboro on Saturday. I hope to get copies of some pictures to share, but none are in my camera, so I have to wait.

I also had my hair put up by my hairdresser and my makeup done at the Bobbi Brown counter, so I was feeling especially Cinderella like in that way too. I removed 75 bobby pins and one rubber band from my hair when I took it down!

The audience was fantastic. They cheered and clapped and loved every minute of it. During Operator, I didn't hear the music that was to bring us into the last verse after an instrumental interlude. As a result, it took all of us a few measures to get back on track. We did it though, and had a strong finish. Aside from that glitch (the keyboardist later told me he had lost his place in the music during the interlude), I absolutely loved singing it and felt on fire with the Spirit. Before this experience, I had no idea I had that stuff in me. Now I am looking for more opportunities to sing like that again. It was a spiritually transforming experience that I will never forget.

Multi-tasking

Here are some of the things I am managing in my life right now:

• Being a wife - James and I invested in a babysitter for the past two nights and each night we went out together and had some dating time. We haven't done this for us in a while, and it is really important. Being a wife takes energy, and I find that I have more of it when I manage the other parts of my life better.
• Being the caretaker of the home - This isn't going so well right now. The energy (and spare time) I do have right now is more focused toward being a loving wife and mother. I do think all the clutter and dust bunnies and pollen in the house is negatively affecting our attitudes a bit. However, I must put off most of this work for now for the sake of my family's sanity. I am doing a fairly good job at providing clean clothes for my family to wear, but not necessarily getting the clean clothes to the target drawers and closets.
• Being a mother - I'm glad it's still the school year. J is in school during the day, which is good for everyone. MC has preschool Wed. and Fri. mornings. This week my time when she's in school is especially precious to me for managing all other aspects of my life. The energy it takes to be mom to my 2 kids is tremendous. Most of it is mental energy, trying to plan ahead and predict how the kids will react and hopefully prevent major tantrums.
• Fitting in exercise - When I have childcare, I try to go to Curves for part of my exercise routine. There are machines there that help strengthen my muscles and increase my heart rate, but more importantly there is a support system of friends there that feed me mentally and spiritually when I go. I am also training for the 5K in June. I've been going to physical therapy to strengthen my quad muscles and help with my knee pain from running. Yesterday I ran 2.3 miles. I've got .8 miles to add to my routine to get to the 3.1 miles that equal 5K. When the weather turns hot and muggy, I may have to adjust the time of day when I run.
• Directing the children's choir - We rehearse on Wednesday nights and sing in church again on 4/27. There are 25 kids on the roll, with average attendance of 21 each week. We also will sing on 5/18, and are working on both anthems currently.
• Singing in the adult choir - Our church choir has been extremely busy lately. Last Sunday we sang for the confirmation service, in which the Bishop confirmed or received some 60 people into the Episcopal church. He said that was more than he had done in the past several years! We also sang during an Evensong service held this past Tuesday night. Peter Gomes, the well-known Harvard preacher and minister spoke at this service, which was attended by 465 people, many from other churches in the area. The choir is also singing at the Millennium Follies this Saturday.
• Producing the Millennium Follies - I am involved in the production aspect of the Follies, finding volunteers, helping with wording of the programs, making decisions with the committee about the putting-on of this event.
• Participating in the Millennium Follies - I am involved in three numbers in the Follies, trying to find time to practice on my own and attend required rehearsals with the groups. On Saturday I am having my hair put in an "up-do" by my hair dresser for the occasion. I am also going to wear the bridesmaid dress that my sister wore in my wedding!
• Being a member of the Vestry - I was elected to the Vestry at church for a three-year term beginning this January. So far I really enjoy my work on the Vestry. We are kicking off a capital campaign this month to expand our church facility and replace our organ, in which the Vestry will be closely involved.
• Serving as Immediate Past President for ECW - This role is wonderfully less demanding than my role as president last year. Much thanks goes to the current president Elizabeth for all of her hard work.
• Teaching second grade Sunday School - James and I are teachers in J's SS class on a rotating basis. We taught last Sunday and again one more time in May before letting out for the summer.
• Getting ready to help Sarah - My main function will be to coordinate all the folks who want to help out Sarah in the days surrounding her upcoming surgery on 4/30.
• Posting on my blog - as you can see, with all my multi-tasking, this blog does not get expanded upon daily. However, I like having a place to put some of my thoughts. If you read all the way down here, thank you! You must be one of my favorite people to want to read all this!

I've signed up!

Here is the link to my webpage for the Race for the Cure. You can go there to make a donation in support of me as I run my first 5K on June 14th. Here's to you, Sarah!

http://race.komennctriangle.org/site/TR/Race/General?px=1244467&pg=personal&fr_id=1030&et=6kyo_1zycK2M9fKMoqGzqA..&s_tafId=7320

Unleashing My Soul

It's been a long time since I've sung like this. Maybe not even ever, really. I'm classically trained, and pretty conservative when I sing. But as I've been getting older, and getting more in shape, I'm discovering my voice has a wider range both in pitch and in character. On Saturday I sang two songs from Oklahoma! at a breakfast honoring a group of breast cancer survivors. Both songs were well-received, and I really loved doing it. It felt so good.

The other opportunity for this fun type of singing is the Millennium Follies we're putting on at church on April 19th. We're raising money in support of one of the UN's Millennium Development Goals - to promote gender equality and empower women. Our funds raised will go to women entering the Episcopal Church Seminary in the Sudan.

Anyway, we're putting on this show, and I am in several numbers. One of them includes some dancing. (I even bought myself some new dancing shoes!) I am loving doing it and singing in this fun style. Another number is called "Operator", which is being sung by a quartet and soloist (that's me, if I can pull it off). It's got a little gospel edge to it. The main words are "Operator, information. Please get me Jesus on the line." We're doing the version of the song as performed by Manhattan Transfer. The solo has lots of bluesy notes and some are very high! I'm working with a coach tonight to improve the solo. The kids have had a lot of fun hearing and watching me practice at home. They practically know the song themselves. It's pretty cute to hear MC singing it to herself when no one is looking. J has been doing some dancing with me too. Lots of fun.

It's a little scary, but sooo good for me to stretch myself this way. I feel free when I'm dancing and singing without holding back. It's like my soul is being unleashed for the first time. I gotta stay connected to that Jesus!

Easter Celebration

Here are the kids on Easter afternoon with MC's Godparents, Courtney and Jerry. They brought cascarones (I hope I got that right), or confetti eggs to help celebrate Easter. These are real egg shells dyed and filled with confetti. Here MC demonstrates how to crack one over Jerry's head. As you can see, she had a similar experience on her head.

Writer's Block

I think that's what it's called when you can't think of what to write. Guess I have a case of that now. Topics that are on my mind are: my foot hurts, I'm nervous about singing in front of an audience on Saturday, I should post a picture here, I love that I don't have to follow traditional grammar rules for my postings if I don't want to.

Words still aren't coming.

For those of you who check my blog periodically because you actually think I might have something worth reading, thank you! You are my inspiration. I work better when I have an audience.

Still nothing.

A garbage truck just drove by our house.

Solomon is taking a nap on the guest bed.

Birds are chirping outside our window. Solomon likes to look out and watch them.

waiting for my pants to dry

I plan to go work out this morning. However, both pairs of my workout pants are in the dryer right now. I really don't have anything else to wear that suits the type of exercise I plan to do. So, I figure I'll write something here in the meantime.

Here it is, Monday again, and I don't remember what I did this weekend. This happens to me all the time. Even activities from the day before are hard to conjure up for me sometimes. I live so much in the future or the planning and contemplating of the future, that the past becomes hazy. Some of it anyway.

What did I do this weekend? Let's see...

On Friday, the kids went to school. I didn't go to Curves, but spent some of my time by myself in my house. I picked up a few things that were laying on the floor and put them away. I believe I actually posted something on my blog. I felt kind of sad most of the day. We had leftover spaghetti sauce on actual spaghetti noodles for supper. (The first time I served it was over spiral pasta.) Despite this radical menu change, J refused to eat it because he wasn't about to eat the same thing twice in one week. To his credit, however, he simply announced this and went into another room while we ate. He never complained nor ate anything else the rest of the night. He was hungry at breakfast on Saturday, though.

On Saturday, I got to sleep in until just before 9:00. The kids watched tv and James did his own thing after he got up with MC. I cooked frozen biscuits at MC's request, as well as some dairy-free "cheese" blintzes. I got to eat one of those, because it technically didn't have any cheese in it, and I'm not eating cheese this Lent. The weather was reasonably warm, but quite windy. Before lunch, I ran around the neighborhood. My knees had been bothering me lately, so I took a flatter route, and perhaps shortened my distance just a tad. Pretty sure it was close to my current record of 2.4 miles. I also did a lot of stretching before and after the run, and again later in the day. This, coupled with 2 ibuprofen tablets taken at bedtime led to me waking up Sunday morning with no pain in my knees. I think the stretching may be the key. I hope so anyway. The family went to Moe's for supper, using a buy-one, get one free coupon that came in the mail. James and I changed the clocks in the house during the day, unannounced to the kids. This amazingly led to a smooth transition into Daylight Saving Time.

On Sunday, we went to church as usual. The time change really wasn't a factor. MC insisted on wearing a new dress I bought for her at a consignment shop in Greensboro when I visited Sarah last week. This beautiful dress, worn by a friend of the owner as a child in the '50's, is made of soft green velvet with a lace collar and trim. It is probably a size 6-7, maybe 8. MC wears 3-4 in dresses, so it was like a floor-length dress for her. She loved it. Thanks to my sis for spotting it in the store (and only for $5.00).

We went to Irregardless for lunch (AKA "Funny Arthur's Place") and had a nice time there, as well as good food. I ordered the grilled salmon, and MC announced when it arrived that she wasn't going to smell my food, because she didn't like the way it smelled. Oddly enough, it smelled like grilled fish! We had leftovers from James' birthday meal on Thursday night for supper. Jay didn't seem to mind leftovers this time. No leftovers tonight, though. I have to start over, just haven't figured out what yet.

So that was my weekend, basically. It was good. I got over my sadness for most of the weekend, but it is coming back again today. My pants should be dry in less than 20 minutes, so hopefully exercise will help my mood.

Friday, March 7th

It's one of those days. Everything seems overwhelming, then that little voice tries to talk me into doing something small and I do. And I feel a little better. Then after a few minutes everything seems overwhelming again. It's chilly and raining outside. It would feel so good to crawl back under the covers. But I talk myself out of that.

I looked up the local Race for the Cure to see how to sign up a team. I didn't see a link that would let me start a team, but it looks like that will be forthcoming on the website. It said in the meantime to encourage people to join the team. So, please join our team if you can. The minimun number of team members is 10. I don't think we will all have to register at the same time, but I'll find that out soon. It is preferable that people register online - makes it easier to keep track of everyone's registration and funds raised through the website. To register, you need to pay around $30, which includes a race t-shirt. If you want to check out the website yourself, the link is: http://www.komennctriangle.org/

So with this posting comes a little wave of energy and positive feelings. I don't know how long it will last, but I'll try to do a little more towards the overwhelming amount of things scattered about my house.

Good Day

I spent yesterday with Sarah. Despite getting caught walking in a drenching downpour, and Sarah finding more questions she needs to get answered before she makes her surgery plans, it was a good day. I love my sister. I also love my parents and my husband who took care of the kids while I was gone and allowed me to spend the day with Sarah. And I love my kids who were able to handle a different routine that did not include me yesterday.

It feels good to help. Sarah asked me to help coordinate all the offers of help that will no doubt be forthcoming when she has her next surgery. It will be fun for me to do. This week I plan to check into Zoomerang, an online survey tool that I will use to assign people to help her with needs that fit their gifts and schedules during her recovery.

Also this week I will look into officially setting up a team for Race for the Cure. Sarah and I talked about our financial goal for the team. We have a number in mind that we believe is attainable, so stay tuned for a link that you can follow to sign up on our team and/or to make a financial donation to our cause.

I ran 2.4 miles on Sunday afternoon. My knees have hurt some since, but I think I can do it again today. The only question is whether my running shoes have dried out from yesterday's experience in the rain (they were dripping wet). If not today, I'll find time tomorrow.

learning to run

I've started training to run my first 5K race -the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure here in Raleigh on June 14th. Last year I walked it with friends from Nursing Mothers of Raleigh. This year Lynn and I (and anyone else who wishes to join us) are going to run it together in honor of my sister Sarah. I've been training for 2 weeks so far. Today I ran 2.0 miles without stopping, which is 2/3 of the way to the 3.1 miles that equal 5K. I've never jogged before in my life. It takes 2 bras and new, high-stability running shoes with inserts to keep me properly aligned and pain-free while I run. So far I have not had any trouble with my knees being sore after running. In the past I have figured I couldn't run because of knee trouble I've had all my life, but I'm hoping this good trend continues and my past worries are unsubstantiated.

It feels great so far. I am not looking to beat a certain time in the race, just to run it entirely. I want to create a team to walk or run this race for Sarah. Any of you who read this blog and want to participate, please let me know. I'll look into starting up a team. If you are not able to participate, but wish to contribute financially to our team in support of breast cancer research, I'll keep you posted as to how to do that too.

I also challenge each of you to take your exercise level up one notch this spring, in whatever form you find is fun and/or convenient for you to do. Whenever I get to the edge of my physical limit, I just think of Sarah and other people I know and love who have been through and overcome major life challenges and I am inspired to go just a little further.

I'm proud of me.

Since I posted my thoughts on my blog earlier today, I have actually made a lot of progress in my house. I covered the van trunk floor with bags of clothing I had already set aside (but left in the guest room) to give away, plus two shopping bags of give away items set aside in the basement. But get this - to the items already set aside I added the following today:

my graduate school graduation gown and hood
my prom dress
my senior voice recital dress from college
a dress I wore to the Homecoming dance my sophomore year in college
my old lab coat
Christmas decorations that I never used, and decided not to repack with the Christmas stuff this year
3 pool floaties for infants

As I write this, I am having some regret about letting these things go. Maybe I should really hold on to that hood... (If you think I shouldn't let these things go, please do not tell me!) They are in the van and I am going to drop them off at Good Will when I'm in the area this afternoon.

The good news, I remind myself, is that in taking those things out of the closet, I freed up enough space to store 3 rubbermaid containers of seasonal clothes, my suitcase, and 2 other bags (both of which probably need to be released too, but I will save for another day). That freed up floor space in the guest room and the master bedroom. And that feels good.

When I had the Homecoming dress cleaned (almost 20 years ago!), they hung it on this special bust-form hanger. Together with the mass of plastic wrapped around it, this item alone freed up 5 inches of space in my closet!

New Habits Are Hard to Make

Today I am simply writing just so I can publish a posting on my blog. It has been a few weeks since I last did it. My typical reasoning for not writing is that I don't have anything funny to say. I like saying funny things, and I don't want my blog to make me look like too serious of a person. (Can anybody say perfectionist here?)

A few days ago I asked my mother to call me on it whenever she noticed my perfectionism rearing its ugly head in an inappropriate way. That is, when it stops me from getting clutter out of my house, or stops me from getting something done that I have been procrastinating on, or that prevents me from acting on dreams of mine, no matter how small they may be.

Perfectionism is a wonderful tool when it is used to help organize a meeting that I am running, or a project I'm putting together (as long as I can reach a stopping point). When I am accountable to someone else, I put my perfectionism skills to work to make sure I provide them with my best service/outcome/etc.

Here are some of the things I say to myself that reek of inappropriate perfectionism:

• I'm not going to write in my journal because I don't have the perfect journaling spot in my house.
• I'm not going to post something on my blog because I don't have anything funny to say.
• I can't clean my house properly because I don't have the right hard-wood floor cleaner-upper-machine.
• I can't take unwanted or unused items out of my house to give away because I don't have the space to sort and organize them first. (And I don't have the time to sort and organize them first.)
• I can't start writing thank you notes because there are so many and I don't want someone to feel neglected because they didn't get one in a timely manner when others did, and I don't have a block of uninterrupted time to write all of them at once.
• I can't exercise today because both of my kids are home from school and one is sick.
• We have to eat at a restaurant today because I don't have the ingredients for a traditional supper on hand. (And I don't have the time or energy to cook. - this I'm saying already at 8:50am about supper!)

I think I am making my point here. So any of you that read this and know me and have opportunity to communicate with me, please follow my mother's lead at my request. If you notice my perfectionistic tendencies interfering with my quality of life and/or the work I am capable of getting done, please point this out to me. I suggest you say something like, "Helen, remember what you asked us to help you with?..." That simple question should do the trick.

On to the Purple Party!

MC's Pink Party was a great success. I think all the girls (and J) had a wonderful time. Now, however, MC is looking foward to her next birthday party, which she has announced will be a Purple Party. She has absolutely no concept of a year, however. She asked me if we would go to a store to buy purple things for her party. I said we certainly would. She then said something like (in a pouty voice), "We need to get more purple things because if we don't, I'll just have to have a party that's a little bit decorated." (Then added a classic pout and put her head down.)

Happy Birthday, MC!

Today is MC's 3rd birthday. This photo was taken before Christmas - you can see the tree in the background. She was very proud of this outfit she had picked out. I was especially fond of the tights-over-pants look, not to mention the way her stripes are so brightly coordinated.

I told her today was her birthday when I went into her room this morning. She gave me her biggest smile and did a little excited-dance. After about 2 bites of breakfast, she declared, "I need to get dressed now because I want to be all ready when the people get here." She was referring to the people invited to her Pink Party. This event is scheduled for Saturday morning, however - 2 days away. So I tried to explain it to her, but her concept of time is so not there. (Ironically this is similar to how my grandmother with Alzheimer's Disease reacts to events.)

I just hope this doesn't turn out like J's 4th birthday, when after all the celebrations were said and done, he claimed he was 7 (turning a year older at each event)! Now that he's really 7, he laughs when we tell him this story.

I suppose I should have learned my lesson from that experience, but no. I want to include special people in MC's life, and not all of them can come at the same time, so we have several birthday celebrations lined up. I am torn about having so many different celebrations spread out over several days, and beyond, because having numerous celebrations gets to be very confusing for a young child. What's a mom who loves birthdays to do?

Next year her birthday will be on a Saturday, I think, which should simplify things greatly.

Progress

Today I emptied 5 boxes and went through their contents. I have 4 empty boxes for recycling, and one that contains everything I wanted to save. These things now need to be put in their homes, or I need to make a home for them. I also found 2 boxes of old speech-language pathology notebooks, textbooks, and professional papers. I will seal and label these 2 boxes and get them out of our guest room and into an appropriate spot in the basement. My other great accomplishment in the guest room today (4 of the 5 boxes I cleaned out were in the guest room; the other from my bedroom) is taking a plastic milk crate full of papers to be recycled to the curb and watching the recycling truck come and take them all away. I now have a crate I can use as a sorting bin! You need to know how great an accomplishment this is - I think that crate full of recyclable papers had been sitting idle for over a year.

I feel good about what I've done today. I think James might even notice some of the results. Even if he doesn't, it still feels good. I did this!

Clean House

As I start my day this morning, I look around and have one of my two usual reactions to the clutter in my house: feeling inspired to change, or feeling too overwhelmed to act. When I have the latter reaction, I want to crawl into a ball and hide from it. I feel ashamed. It is no fun.
Today, however, I guess I slept fairly well, because I am inspired to have a clean house, just like it looks when they finish cleaning and organizing a house on the Style network show, "Clean House". (For those of you familiar with that show, I do need to clarify that my house is NOT in need of the Clean House crew at this time. But, that being said, it is calling for some attention.)

Now as you all know by now, I am a perfectionist. This is why I am a procrastinator too. That combination leads to a cluttered house. See, when I feel inspired like today, I am imagining my entire house looking great and never getting cluttered again. But I am not capable of cleaning my whole house today. So I will have to pick one area to work on. I told James to look for the area I clean up today when he gets home. The possibilities are endless!

I am finding myself getting caught up in the "best way" to declutter. I imagine the perfect sorting bins, complete with labels for give away, trash, recycle, put away, ask James, ask the kids. Then I start to get overwhelmed with where I will get such bins, and where I will store the stuff I choose to keep. Being a perfectionist can come in handy in a few situations, but it can really get in the way too.

Lest I lose all traces of inspiration by procrastinating via this blog, I am going to sign off and pick somewhere to make a difference today. I'll keep you posted.

Epiphany

Today is Epiphany, and I am happy to report a had one of my own today. I guess I've had this one before in various versions, but apparently I needed to see it again. I get so easily excited about trying something new. I live in the future so much. I am a planner, and a contingency planner, a list-maker, a procrastinator, and as I've said before, a perfectionist.

I was offered a fill-in position on a very part-time basis at the gym where I work out. I was so flattered and so excited about the possibility of earning some of "my own" money I could hardly contain myself. I was asked to let them know by tomorrow if possible. Thanks be to God I figured this out so quickly.

The answer is no. While I do want to go back to work in the relatively near future, I don't need to right now. I have two kids that need me and that I so easily take for granted. They are growing so fast. MC will be three in a matter of days. J is seven. If I don't take this sacred opportunity to savor being with them now, I will no doubt regret it later. I am young and I need to be patient. My time will come and I will know when it is right. If I take this or any other job merely to satisfy my desire to have more money it will take my focus in the wrong direction.

I am blessed, and lucky, to be in this position. I was offered a job. I can choose to say no. I have my health. I have two beautiful, healthy children and a loving husband. I will do everything I can to not take any of this for granted.