Sunday, April 27, 2008
Letting Him Choose for Himself
This morning the choir I direct at church sang during the service. They did an excellent job, as usual. The hard part was my son wasn't there. That in itself is not unusual. He's been sporadically showing up to sing this year. If I'm honest, he's been sporadically participating in church choir ever since he began in the youngest choir 4 years ago. He loves to sing, but apparently gets nervous and embarrassed when in front of the congregation. Sundays when the choir sings have become extremely stressful for our whole family as a result of this conflict within him. So James and I decided to give him the choice of dropping out of choir for the rest of this year or finding it within him to participate as expected and staying with it through one more performance in May. After much hemming and hawing, he told us he had decided to not be in choir. I have to pretend that this doesn't matter to me. If I am honest, I really want him to be in choir. But I hate to see him in such torment. He was in tears at rehearsal on Wednesday night. Also if I'm honest, I want him to be in the choir because he wants to do it, not because he wants to please me. So it has to be okay for him to make this decision for himself. I have to be okay with his choice, too. And I will. But it is really hard. And I am holding out hope that he will join us again when choir resumes in the fall. Maybe some time to miss it will help him decide to come back. It's times like this when I'd rather be up all night for feedings and diaper changes than watch him grow up and decide things that don't match my expectations and hopes for him.