Monday, October 18, 2010

Need a new goal

I feel like I'm floundering today.  That word is one I've said a lot but rarely if ever written down.  It looks funny.  Anyway, I digress.  Or perhaps I should say I flounder.  Today I simply got stuck.  Several times.  I would be able to pick myself up and start something, but then find myself stuck again.  It seems like as usual there is way too much going on in my mind.  Too many ideas, and no motivation to get any of them done.  I actually have some time to get a few things done, if I would just do it.  Of course I'm looking at all the things I'm not doing through my perfectionist glasses.  I do actually get some things done.

I want someone to talk to during the day.  Maybe it's the extrovert in me.  Maybe it's an excuse.  I sit and visualize how much more fun it would be if I had someone with me while I do what I need to do.  Even if they didn't lift a finger, and just kept me company while I worked.  After I do that, I get stuck.

So if I set a new goal for myself, maybe that will help.  How do pick what to focus on?  A friend told me recently that I am really good at a lot of things naturally.  That presents a problem in setting priorities for my time and money.  There's too much to do so I don't do much of anything.

And then when I get around to blogging, it's negative again.  Ugh.  Blah.

I just don't feel satisfied.  But what is missing?  I don't know.  What should be my goal?

Monday, September 6, 2010

Music to My Ears







Jay's birthday yesterday was one of the highlights of my life.  No kidding.  The whole day was a great success.  I've posted pictures here from the day.  Grandma and Grandma joined us for Jay's birthday supper - lasagna and ceasar salad and birthday cake.  I gave him a guitar for his birthday.  He and I have talked about how we can both see him as a guitarist.  I had some help picking it out from our priest Greg.  Since he vacations in Maine for the entire month of August, I asked him to help me before he left.  The guitar stayed hidden in Greg's office for over a month until I was ready for Jay to see it.  Jay is capable of some pretty negative reactions to things he doesn't expect, so I braced myself for the worst.  He was nothing but happy to receive it and has thanked me often since he opened it.  He even composed and sang a "Thank You, Mommy" song to me this morning.  The first thing he said after good morning today was "Thanks again for my guitar." It fills my heart and entire being with joy to see him so happy.  This morning he and MC started a jam session in the family room.  A small video of that is here.  After I took the video, they asked me to join them on the piano and MC switched to the harmonica.  Watch out Von Trapp family!  No matter what happens with the guitar from now on, I couldn't be happier. 

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Home Alone 2

This morning I find myself home alone in my house again after dropping off both kids at Lacy Elementary School.  Today is MC's first day of Kindergarten.  It's her assessment day, which doesn't last quite as long as a full school day.  They "stagger" the assessment days of the new kindergarteners according to their last names.  After completing all the assessments they will assign the children to the teachers for the year.  We will know who MC has for a teacher next Tuesday, and her first full day of school in her new class will be next Wednesday (Sept. 1st).  It was a little strange sending her off down the hallway, but she and I were both ready.  Hard to believe my little girl is in "real" school now.  As for the rest of my day, I will go to work for three hours, and then it will be time to pick her up again.  Then we go back 90 minutes later to pick up her big 5th-grader-brother from his second day of school. 

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Home Alone

For the very first time since we moved into this house almost exactly 9 years ago, I will be spending the night alone here.  James is out of town on business and the kids are in the mountains with my parents.  It is a bit strange, but good.  I called two different friends to see if I could arrange an evening out, but neither was available tonight.  After the second said no, I decided I should just stay at home and make the most of the experience. 

I arrived home by myself around 3:00 this afternoon.  I met M&D at the Farmer's Market in Greensboro to hand over the kids, their packed belongings, and a few items requested by my parents for me to bring from Raleigh.  I had a meeting with a fellow vestry member to discuss some timely church things from 4 to 5 and then came back home.  I got to talk with James on the phone briefly, and then ate the leftover pizza in the fridge.  It was way more than I needed, so my plan is to not eat any more tonight.  I debated about taking myself to Taekwondo, but decided against it.  I sat in the recliner to catch up on some reading and found myself taking a nap.  After about 30 minutes, I woke up and was ready to read some more.  I've been walking around, making a list of things to do tomorrow, drinking water and digesting my pizza.

I've checked in on Facebook, read my dad's blog, and sat down to blog a little myself.  I saw where my Uncle Bill quoted someone on FB as saying, "You have nothing to prove and no one to impress."  He said he had heard it recently and thought he'd pass it on in hopes it would provide encouragement to someone today.  If no one else was encouraged, I certainly was. 

I do spend a bunch of time thinking more about trying to impress other people than having something to prove, but sometimes that too.  I like to think that I am above trying to impress others, but I'm really not.  I guess it's okay if someone is impressed with something I say or do, as long as my intention for saying/doing it was genuine.  Trying to impress someone else is not the reason I should be doing something.

What I was reading tonight was the book of James in the New Testament.  "Be ye doers of the word and not just hearers..."  That's the main point James tries to make, I believe.  So tonight I am trying to figure out what I want to do with my time alone.  What I do should not be to prove anything or to impress anyone.  I am happy to have this unique opportunity tonight.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Traveling with Technology

Tomorrow we leave for Huntsville to pick up Jay from Space Camp, where he's been this week.  It will be the first time in a long time that we will have made the trip with only one kid in tow.  I remember how much easier the trip was with Jay when we first borrowed a friend's combo TV/VCR.  We plugged it in and set up that big ol' thing on the floor of the back seat of my Honda Accord, with two or three video cassettes in our traveling media library.  We later invested in a portable DVD player with a case that could be strapped to the back of the front seat.  Our media player and units had become much more compact.

For this trip I will take along my laptop to play one or two DVD's.  (Our portable DVD player literally burned out.)  I have also just downloaded a new app on my iPhone based on the PBS Kids show SuperWhy.  It's for early reading skills development.  I've just now shown it to MC so she can try it out and she's having a hard time putting it down.  I think it will be a big hit for the ride.

Of course when Sarah and I were little our travels consisted of playing games like travel Bingo and the license plate game and the alphabet game and even Bonk (I think) where we tried to be the first to spot VW bugs and buses.  And of course the singing of our entire Girl Scout Camp songs library!  But that's the key.  There were two kids in the car for those trips.  With our two kids in the car, it's easier to pass the time without techno-gadgets because they have each other to talk to.  MC is particularly full of questions that she likes to ask over and over again at this stage of her life.  I am taking advantage of all the technology we have available to make this trip easier on my sanity.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Saying No

It's so hard to say no to an opportunity to help other people.  I called Supplemental this morning to say I don't feel this job in Hoffman is a good fit, mainly because of the distance from home.  I said no to the job as it was presented to me, but left the door open if they could arrange a short-term, renewable contract.  I wish I had just said no completely, but I just couldn't.  I am genuinely intrigued by this job and if it were no more than 30 minutes away, I think I would have said yes - I think.  48 hours is not a long time to think about a job offer, but it has been long enough for me to come to the conclusion that I wanted to call and say no.

I arrogantly feel that there must be no one else who will do this, or who is capable of this.  In fact, the former may be true but the latter certainly is not.  I apologized for saying no, and Emily told me there was no need to apologize.  That was nice to hear.  I don't like the feeling that I'm getting someone's hopes up and then I say no and let them down.  I've been on the other side, when recruiting volunteers for big jobs.  They think about it and say no.  It's not fun.  I'm always disappointed.  But I did find someone else each time.

I haven't even gotten a chance to feel what it's like to have both kids in school all day long and figure out what I will do with my time.  I want to know what that's like.  I am sure I will find ways to fill my time, and may specifically seek a part-time job related to Speech Pathology.   Plus there's this idea of forming my own business.

I have a great tendency to get very excited about a new project or job, then to lose my enthusiasm and momentum, and most often to drop it completely.  Then I feel bad and guilty until something new comes along to capture my energy for a while.

I guess I would feel worse if I had sought this job and then said no.  But they called out of the blue and asked me about it.  I didn't ask them to do that.  Well, we'll see what happens.  I don't want to have to say no again, so I hope they don't come back to me with a short-term contract option.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Another Opportunity to Consider

I got a call this afternoon from Supplemental Health Care, which is the agency that employed me for my contract home health speech therapy position last summer.  They have some very interesting employment opportunities, most of which I have turned down recently.  The one they offered to me today is at a prison in Hoffman, NC.  It's about an hour and a half away from my house.  I wouldn't even consider this position if it were every day.  But they only need 8 hours a week.  And there could be opportunity to transfer to the Speech Therapy Services at Central Prison in Raleigh down the road.  I don't know all the details yet, but I do find this intriguing.  Perhaps an opportunity for ministry lies herein.  Of course I've also got my new part time job at Footlights, a "Destination Store for Dancers" which is owned by a friend of mine from church.  I'm helping with her bookkeeping just a little bit.  And there are family obligations to consider.  I don't know, but it feels good to be asked.  I'll have to make a fairly quick decision on this one, I think, because there is an orientation next Tuesday I would need to attend.  Just when I think things are settling in to a nice pattern, something like this comes up to switch things up a bit.  My life is never boring.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Waiting for Feedback

If you didn't know this about me, I really like feedback.  Two-way communication.  I like to blog to get my thoughts out, but I then spend time checking back to see if anyone has left a comment.  It's the same way with posting on Facebook or sending an email.  I have put something out there and am hoping someone will respond.  It reminds me of pre-answering machine and caller-ID days.  I'd leave a message for someone to call me and then wait.  I couldn't go anywhere - not even to the bathroom because I might miss that call.  Those were the pre-cordless phone days too.  At least now I can get away and go to the bathroom while waiting for feedback.  Or eat a snack or even work on the laundry.  But my unanswered half of a conversation pulls me back in - I've got to check and see if there is a comment, a response, or at minimum if someone "likes" my Facebook status.  It's a catch-22.  If I stay away from electronic communication, I don't have to keep checking back.  The more I stay online the more I have to check.  I guess it's kind of like an addiction.  Perhaps I'm addicted to communication.  My daughter has pointed out to me that talking is my favorite past-time.  I think she's right.  I'd prefer to speak to people in person.  Phone calls are next best.  But everyone is so busy that those options usually aren't available.  So, I guess I'll have to deal with wanting to check in frequently.  And to make the most of the intervals between checks.

By the way, thanks to my sis for interrupting this blogging session with a Facebook chat just now.  That was fun.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Bouncing Ideas

So, I find myself thinking a lot of random thoughts - well maybe not so random - this morning.  My two first choices for people to bounce ideas off-of are not available now.  So, my wonderful blog readers get to hear me think.

What I'm mainly thinking about is adding on to our house.  Or maybe not.  I have such grand ideas, but although I've not actually gotten quotes on my ideas, I expect them to amount to essentially a second mortgage payment each month. I've been dreaming more about this since James' job has become stable again (well as stable as a job can be in today's environment).  Of course, I know this about myself - I dream big.  I have plans of adding on an addition to the back of the house which would allow space for a new family room, extended kitchen, renovated bathroom and laundry room on the main level.  I also have visions of revamping the upstairs so we could renovate the kids' bathroom and add a master bath and closet.  The cost of realizing these dreams, including time, money, and impact on our family (and 13 year old cat), is beginning to make me re-think how big I want to dream.  I am starting to wonder what I can do with what we currently have to make it feel new and improved without any major construction involved.

One step I took recently was to ask James to list his likes and dislikes about this house and any items he would like to add or change.  His list was way smaller than mine.  I have to admit, I was not too happy when he shared it with me at first.   I was grateful that he did take the time to make the list at my request.  I was just disappointed that we didn't have more in common on our two lists.  One thing that jumped out at me was that he liked our laundry being in the basement.  On my wish list was a laundry room on the main level.  I asked him why he liked it down there (of course I do most of the laundry) and he said he liked it in the basement in case of flooding.  As much as I hate to admit it, he does have a point.  And, with our new front-loading washer that has a mighty spin cycle, the house definitely shakes less with the washer on the concrete basement floor than it would on the main level.  Plus, if I don't move the laundry to the main level, there is more room to play with on the main level for renovated bathroom and kitchen.

I also am liking the idea of actually going ahead and redecorating rooms that with our big remodel would likely have to be put on hold.  For example, I am really tired of our living room rug and furniture.  We could reupholster the furniture, get a new rug and install a gas-log fireplace insert, plus update the room with some new paint for a lot less than an addition onto the back of the house.  I really do want to update the kitchen at minimum.  I could stand to live with it a little longer without a major remodel if it got cleaned up and updated just a little.  But I hope there is no lead paint on our original kitchen cabinets that are attached to our un-insulated, plaster walls!

Well, I feel better having put some of these thoughts in writing.  If nothing else, I can come back and refer to them later.  I think I need some professional advice to point me in the right direction.  There are a lot of things we could do with the money we could spend on a big remodel/addition.   Please feel free to offer feedback or suggestions, particularly the type of professional I should seek to help me make a good plan that James and I will both like.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

24 Fun Stories

Once upon a time there was a boy that was counting letters.  His favorite letters were 24.  And, his cat's favorite numbers were 91.  And then his sister's favorite numbers were 51.  And then his mom's favorite numbers were 25.  And then his dad's favorite numbers were 91.  And then his dog's favorite numbers were (he had two dogs):  one dog's favorite numbers were 87.  His other dog's favorite numbers were 95.  And then his baby's favorite numbers were 56.  And his other baby's favorite numbers were 99.  And then his grandmother's favorite numbers were 42.  And his granddaddy's favorite numbers were 21.  And then they put all of their numbers into one big alphabet soup!  And then they ate it all up and they forgot about one more person.  Their granny. 

The end.

Spanish

I'm trying to learn Spanish.  It is a good time for me to do it, as I have ample opportunities to practice in this area.  I feel a strong desire to learn it.  I believe there are friendships I am missing out on, as well as opportunities to help and be helped by others who don't speak English.

I mentioned this to one of my priests a few months ago, and lo and behold, it turned out that a fellow parishioner has just retired as a Spanish teacher and has offered to teach a group of us at church.  We're learning basic conversational Spanish, and I hope to expand on that as much as possible.  I dream of being fluent.

(Just a minute while I check to see if MC is sleeping.  It's eerily quiet right now.)

Okay, we need to shift gears, because I am eliciting MC's help to keep her awake.  We're going to write a story together now.  I'll get back to my Spanish blog later.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Duke vs. Butler

Perhaps nothing can let you in on how my mind works better than my dilemma of if/when to root for Duke basketball. I have nothing against the school. It is a fantastic university and I would be very proud if either of my kids ever chose to attend college there. I think Coach K is an admirable man who has accomplished a lot in his position at Duke for decades now. I have respect for the athletes there who are not only gifted in playing basketball but also in academics. I think it makes a strong statement that a relatively large number of Duke basketball alumni are now coaching in the NCAA. Again, that speaks to Coach K's good coaching. I even like Duke's school colors.

So why do I have such a hard time finding an opportunity to cheer for Duke?

Well, I think a lot of it has to do with arrogance that I've experienced at an impressionable time in my life. I was living in Chapel Hill in 1991 and 1992 when Duke won back-to-back NCAA tournament championships. They were a good team in 1993 as well, and there was a lot of talk about "three-peat" NCAA titles. I heard a lot of bragging and boasting from Duke alumni my age with whom I hung out a lot. And a lot of arrogance in the Duke community as well, I perceived. Perhaps I was projecting this, but at the time it left a bitter taste in my mouth. (Now I know Carolina fans can be equally as arrogant, but I hope if you ask those close to me you would find that I do not engage of that type of boasting.)

Also over the years, as Duke has continued to have strong basketball teams, they have won a lot of ACC championships. For a while, it had become quite boring to watch - Duke would win inevitably. I didn't care necessarily who would win, just someone other than Duke! I like for things to be fairly distributed, if you didn't know that about me.

So as the time has passed, I've been in and out of vigilant basketball watching. With children, I've been even less tuned-in to the basketball seasons. Whenever I'd find myself watching a game (always on tv - I have only ever been to one live ACC basketball game when I was given free tickets), I pull for a team based on a very complicated ranking of the teams.

The order of teams from favorite to least goes something like this:
1. Carolina (this is because I grew up in Chapel Hill and attended one summer course at UNC. Also my mom attended there for her master's degree - the reason for our move to Chapel Hill)
2. Wake Forest (I only applied to two colleges, Rhodes and Wake. Got into both, but ended up choosing Rhodes. My parents met there, so I'm grateful to WFU for bringing about my existence in a round-about way.)
3. NC State (because I live in Raleigh now)
4. Duke (so I say, because it's in NC)
5. Virginia, Maryland, Georgia Tech, Clemson (rounding out the ACC teams in the conference when I first started paying attention to bball in 1982)
6. Florida State (the next team to join the ACC)
7. Virginia Tech (they may actually get moved up in the list, depending on who they are playing, because we lived in Blacksburg when my dad got his master's degree, but are down here because they were among the last three teams added to the ACC.)
8. Boston College and University of Miami (the last teams added to the ACC)
9. Teams outside of the ACC

*Note: If Rhodes College ever has an amazing basketball team that has a chance at playing any of the teams above, it would automatically trump all rules and be at the top of my list. (Just to be clear)

But here's where it gets a little tricky:
1. I usually pull for Wake Forest even over Carolina, but am usually okay with whoever wins that game.
2. I find myself pulling for the underdog most of the time (unless Carolina or Wake Forest is playing them), and this seriously messes with my ranking of the teams.
3. Since Duke is typically good, and typically seeded high in tournaments, I often find myself pulling for their opposing team as the underdog.

Now that Duke is playing Butler in the NCAA championship game tonight, I think I might pull for Duke as the ACC representative. But Butler has such a great underdog story. They've had a terrific season and are playing well. I would be so happy for them to win tonight. Duke has had a great season and is also playing well. I'd like to think I'd be equally as happy for them if they win, but we'll have to see. No matter what, I hope it's a good game. I don't like games with lop-sided scores. The nail-biters make me do just that (well not really, because that is gross), but they are so exciting and I find I can be happy for both teams more easily in those cases.

So, I think the bottom line is I will probably pull for Butler tonight. Sorry Duke. But just for the record, I do think Duke deserves to win tonight, and probably will.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Why so serious?

I'm watching the sleet coming down outside, having little desire to go out in it. The kids and James played outside a bit this morning, but came in saying they were finished being outside. It's a quiet day. I'm catching up on my email, thinking about doing some laundry and/or other housework. My hormones seem to be influencing my mood a bit toward the down-side. That will pass, as always, I'm sure.

My job at i3 Research will end next week. We will have finished the project. Hopefully the study's results will be published late this spring. I am a little sad to see it go, as I have really enjoyed the work and working with my fellow speech raters. I must admit, however, I am looking forward to the extra time not working will bring.

What has happened to funny Helen? I feel so serious all the time now. Got to get to the bottom of this. Has anyone encountered funny Helen recently? Light-hearted Helen? I miss her.

You know what? I just decided that I am going to start a jigsaw puzzle this afternoon. That should be fun. There is even room to spread it out on the dining room table. I like that idea. Maybe fun Helen will help me put it together.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Wednesday

It's Wednesday. Tonight is choir night. In my new position as senior warden of our church I have a finance committee meeting to attend as well tonight. I've arranged childcare for the time when the finance committee is meeting, but the it's not time for the kids to start their choir rehearsals. I've turned over leadership of tonight's Beckwith Choir rehearsal to my assistant directors. I plan to attend adult choir rehearsal long enough to rehearse the anthem for this Sunday and a little beyond that. I will leave early enough to get back home for the kids' bedtime routines.

Originally I was going to work today, but had to make arrangements not to do so when MC got sick. Now it looks like she's going to be fine to go to school today. Too late to rearrange and work again. Someone is already covering my shift who wants the hours. So that leaves me with 4 hours by myself this morning (assuming MC does in fact go to school - don't know for sure yet because she's still sleeping). Her birthday (and party) are Sunday and the house could use a lot of TLC to prepare for our princess guests.

My goals for today house-wise are going to be kept simple: put away the Christmas decorations and gifts that are still in the living room, complete one cycle of laundry, begin to clean off the dining room table. Personally, my goals are simple too: read daily Scripture, prepare for finance committee meeting, apply root touch-up solution to combat the skunk-like look of my hair at the part-line. Already completed one goal: to blog.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

First bloggable thoughts of 2010


I'm still here, just haven't been blogging. Life is moving along steadily, and at a much faster pace than I wish. I really do appreciate those of you who may have checked in from time to time to see what I've been up to or what's on my mind.

I put this picture in for something to make you smile. I wore this dress in a wedding when I was around 5 or 6 years old.

Right now I've got a daughter who is feeling much better than she was in the middle of last night. Love to hear her singing and playing again.

So far I've caught up with all the daily Scripture passages I've been planning to read in 2010.

My family has clean underwear.

I know what I'm cooking for supper.

We don't have anywhere we have to be tonight.

It's just that so often when I come here to write, it's because I've been inspired to do so in an effort to put me in a better mood or solve some sort of problem. Something for me to work on: blogging out of funny or happy inspirations.

Stay tuned, and thanks for your patience.