Deeper Inside Helen's Mind

It's Hard to Be His Mom Sometimes

2012-02-05T14:56:00.000-05:00

I went to the parenting class at church today that is being held during the Sunday School hour. I offered advice like I knew what I was talking about. I thought I did. When things go well, it's hard to remember what it's like when things don't go so well. Then I am reminded of how hard it is to be a parent when I get home.

To parent a child who has intense feelings and opinions, who explodes with anger and sadness when the world doesn't fit what he believes it to be, is not easy. I have learned how to handle these displays of intense negative emotion a little better over the years, but not sure I did it gracefully today. I so want to convince him in the moment that life is not as bad as he makes it out to be. That people are inherently not evil and the whole world is not out to get him. I want to assure him that it all will be alright. And I want to say, "get a grip" because what he is emoting about is not realistic. Part of me is sad for him and part of me gets annoyed and part of me is angry. I feel powerless in these moments. That's probably the bottom line for why these events are so very hard for me.

And then suddenly the event is over and he is fine - humming, whistling, happy. I'm still holding on to it, though. I can't let go. How will he make it in this world? How can I prepare him? How can he be fine now, when just a little while ago he was shouting and calling us stupid and crying and screaming and saying he just wants to go live in the woods by himself? It is maddening if I let it be. If I bring the subject back up, he'll likely go back into shouting and crying mode. I hate this walking on eggshells feeling. I want to talk things out, and that is usually not an option for me. I don't understand boys. I feel frustrated and mad. Right now he is chipper and talking with his dad and I am still over here stewing in the blue upholstered chair with this laptop in my lap and my thoughts coming out of me through my fingertips. I WANT TO SCREAM!

How can he be over it now? Now he's singing. All is well. I am still frustrated. This is not over because we will have to bring up the subject that started it all again. And we will have to deal with an explosion again. So far when we have brought up the subject recently we are 2 out of 2 for emotional outbursts. I just want it to go away.

I sure do love him, and I am so proud of him and what he has accomplished in his young life and the neat young man he is turning out to be. I continue to pray that I will have enough patience and wisdom to guide him into learning life skills such as being wrong, getting along with others who have different opinions, and being open to hearing other viewpoints.

I love that he is sensitive, and I hope he can find a balance between being highly emotional and controlling his reactions when the situation calls for restraint. Lord, help me be the best mother to him that I can be.

Making Myself Have a Better Attitude

2011-04-12T16:24:00.000-04:00

I'm sick. Literally. And I'm frustrated that my week's plans are all screwed up as a result. I started to post all about that but I soon realized that was going to be another negative post. Who wants to read negative posts over and over again? Not me.

So, this one will not be negative.

In college I used to say to my friends in most situations, "It's all in the attitude." Now I don't imagine that I was the first to have such a motto. I don't claim to be. But I did think it up all by myself, without someone I knew telling it to me first. I found that if I pretended to be in a good mood, I usually ended up in one for real. If I went into a situation expecting it to be positive, it usually was.

I am therefore applying the same principle here. I am feeling better. I will be able to clean up the dirty dishes in the kitchen with a good attitude and it will feel really good to get that done. I will re-wash the load of dark clothes that's been sitting in the washer for over 48 hours to get out the sour smell. Then I will dry them right away and be happy that I don't have to go to the laundromat to get them clean and dry. Of course this does mean I have to get the wrinkled, but dry and clean white clothes out of the dryer first. But I can do that too.

I will take a shower and wash my hair and I will start gathering my things for work tomorrow, because I know I will feel better then.

I will love my kids when their attitudes are less than positive.

Here I go.

Need a new goal

2010-10-18T20:09:00.001-04:00

I feel like I'm floundering today. That word is one I've said a lot but rarely if ever written down. It looks funny. Anyway, I digress. Or perhaps I should say I flounder. Today I simply got stuck. Several times. I would be able to pick myself up and start something, but then find myself stuck again. It seems like as usual there is way too much going on in my mind. Too many ideas, and no motivation to get any of them done. I actually have some time to get a few things done, if I would just do it. Of course I'm looking at all the things I'm not doing through my perfectionist glasses. I do actually get some things done.

I want someone to talk to during the day. Maybe it's the extrovert in me. Maybe it's an excuse. I sit and visualize how much more fun it would be if I had someone with me while I do what I need to do. Even if they didn't lift a finger, and just kept me company while I worked. After I do that, I get stuck.

So if I set a new goal for myself, maybe that will help. How do pick what to focus on? A friend told me recently that I am really good at a lot of things naturally. That presents a problem in setting priorities for my time and money. There's too much to do so I don't do much of anything.

And then when I get around to blogging, it's negative again. Ugh. Blah.

I just don't feel satisfied. But what is missing? I don't know. What should be my goal?

Music to My Ears

2010-09-06T11:41:00.000-04:00

Jay's birthday yesterday was one of the highlights of my life. No kidding. The whole day was a great success. I've posted pictures here from the day. Grandma and Grandma joined us for Jay's birthday supper - lasagna and ceasar salad and birthday cake. I gave him a guitar for his birthday. He and I have talked about how we can both see him as a guitarist. I had some help picking it out from our priest Greg. Since he vacations in Maine for the entire month of August, I asked him to help me before he left. The guitar stayed hidden in Greg's office for over a month until I was ready for Jay to see it. Jay is capable of some pretty negative reactions to things he doesn't expect, so I braced myself for the worst. He was nothing but happy to receive it and has thanked me often since he opened it. He even composed and sang a "Thank You, Mommy" song to me this morning. The first thing he said after good morning today was "Thanks again for my guitar." It fills my heart and entire being with joy to see him so happy. This morning he and MC started a jam session in the family room. A small video of that is here. After I took the video, they asked me to join them on the piano and MC switched to the harmonica. Watch out Von Trapp family! No matter what happens with the guitar from now on, I couldn't be happier.

Home Alone 2

2010-08-26T09:04:00.001-04:00

This morning I find myself home alone in my house again after dropping off both kids at Lacy Elementary School. Today is MC's first day of Kindergarten. It's her assessment day, which doesn't last quite as long as a full school day. They "stagger" the assessment days of the new kindergarteners according to their last names. After completing all the assessments they will assign the children to the teachers for the year. We will know who MC has for a teacher next Tuesday, and her first full day of school in her new class will be next Wednesday (Sept. 1st). It was a little strange sending her off down the hallway, but she and I were both ready. Hard to believe my little girl is in "real" school now. As for the rest of my day, I will go to work for three hours, and then it will be time to pick her up again. Then we go back 90 minutes later to pick up her big 5th-grader-brother from his second day of school.

Home Alone

2010-08-12T20:12:00.000-04:00

For the very first time since we moved into this house almost exactly 9 years ago, I will be spending the night alone here. James is out of town on business and the kids are in the mountains with my parents. It is a bit strange, but good. I called two different friends to see if I could arrange an evening out, but neither was available tonight. After the second said no, I decided I should just stay at home and make the most of the experience.

I arrived home by myself around 3:00 this afternoon. I met M&D at the Farmer's Market in Greensboro to hand over the kids, their packed belongings, and a few items requested by my parents for me to bring from Raleigh. I had a meeting with a fellow vestry member to discuss some timely church things from 4 to 5 and then came back home. I got to talk with James on the phone briefly, and then ate the leftover pizza in the fridge. It was way more than I needed, so my plan is to not eat any more tonight. I debated about taking myself to Taekwondo, but decided against it. I sat in the recliner to catch up on some reading and found myself taking a nap. After about 30 minutes, I woke up and was ready to read some more. I've been walking around, making a list of things to do tomorrow, drinking water and digesting my pizza.

I've checked in on Facebook, read my dad's blog, and sat down to blog a little myself. I saw where my Uncle Bill quoted someone on FB as saying, "You have nothing to prove and no one to impress." He said he had heard it recently and thought he'd pass it on in hopes it would provide encouragement to someone today. If no one else was encouraged, I certainly was.

I do spend a bunch of time thinking more about trying to impress other people than having something to prove, but sometimes that too. I like to think that I am above trying to impress others, but I'm really not. I guess it's okay if someone is impressed with something I say or do, as long as my intention for saying/doing it was genuine. Trying to impress someone else is not the reason I should be doing something.

What I was reading tonight was the book of James in the New Testament. "Be ye doers of the word and not just hearers..." That's the main point James tries to make, I believe. So tonight I am trying to figure out what I want to do with my time alone. What I do should not be to prove anything or to impress anyone. I am happy to have this unique opportunity tonight.

Traveling with Technology

2010-08-04T09:48:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow we leave for Huntsville to pick up Jay from Space Camp, where he's been this week. It will be the first time in a long time that we will have made the trip with only one kid in tow. I remember how much easier the trip was with Jay when we first borrowed a friend's combo TV/VCR. We plugged it in and set up that big ol' thing on the floor of the back seat of my Honda Accord, with two or three video cassettes in our traveling media library. We later invested in a portable DVD player with a case that could be strapped to the back of the front seat. Our media player and units had become much more compact.

For this trip I will take along my laptop to play one or two DVD's. (Our portable DVD player literally burned out.) I have also just downloaded a new app on my iPhone based on the PBS Kids show SuperWhy. It's for early reading skills development. I've just now shown it to MC so she can try it out and she's having a hard time putting it down. I think it will be a big hit for the ride.

Of course when Sarah and I were little our travels consisted of playing games like travel Bingo and the license plate game and the alphabet game and even Bonk (I think) where we tried to be the first to spot VW bugs and buses. And of course the singing of our entire Girl Scout Camp songs library! But that's the key. There were two kids in the car for those trips. With our two kids in the car, it's easier to pass the time without techno-gadgets because they have each other to talk to. MC is particularly full of questions that she likes to ask over and over again at this stage of her life. I am taking advantage of all the technology we have available to make this trip easier on my sanity.

Saying No

2010-07-29T09:56:00.001-04:00

It's so hard to say no to an opportunity to help other people. I called Supplemental this morning to say I don't feel this job in Hoffman is a good fit, mainly because of the distance from home. I said no to the job as it was presented to me, but left the door open if they could arrange a short-term, renewable contract. I wish I had just said no completely, but I just couldn't. I am genuinely intrigued by this job and if it were no more than 30 minutes away, I think I would have said yes - I think. 48 hours is not a long time to think about a job offer, but it has been long enough for me to come to the conclusion that I wanted to call and say no.

I arrogantly feel that there must be no one else who will do this, or who is capable of this. In fact, the former may be true but the latter certainly is not. I apologized for saying no, and Emily told me there was no need to apologize. That was nice to hear. I don't like the feeling that I'm getting someone's hopes up and then I say no and let them down. I've been on the other side, when recruiting volunteers for big jobs. They think about it and say no. It's not fun. I'm always disappointed. But I did find someone else each time.

I haven't even gotten a chance to feel what it's like to have both kids in school all day long and figure out what I will do with my time. I want to know what that's like. I am sure I will find ways to fill my time, and may specifically seek a part-time job related to Speech Pathology. Plus there's this idea of forming my own business.

I have a great tendency to get very excited about a new project or job, then to lose my enthusiasm and momentum, and most often to drop it completely. Then I feel bad and guilty until something new comes along to capture my energy for a while.

I guess I would feel worse if I had sought this job and then said no. But they called out of the blue and asked me about it. I didn't ask them to do that. Well, we'll see what happens. I don't want to have to say no again, so I hope they don't come back to me with a short-term contract option.

Another Opportunity to Consider

2010-07-27T17:03:00.000-04:00

I got a call this afternoon from Supplemental Health Care, which is the agency that employed me for my contract home health speech therapy position last summer. They have some very interesting employment opportunities, most of which I have turned down recently. The one they offered to me today is at a prison in Hoffman, NC. It's about an hour and a half away from my house. I wouldn't even consider this position if it were every day. But they only need 8 hours a week. And there could be opportunity to transfer to the Speech Therapy Services at Central Prison in Raleigh down the road. I don't know all the details yet, but I do find this intriguing. Perhaps an opportunity for ministry lies herein. Of course I've also got my new part time job at Footlights, a "Destination Store for Dancers" which is owned by a friend of mine from church. I'm helping with her bookkeeping just a little bit. And there are family obligations to consider. I don't know, but it feels good to be asked. I'll have to make a fairly quick decision on this one, I think, because there is an orientation next Tuesday I would need to attend. Just when I think things are settling in to a nice pattern, something like this comes up to switch things up a bit. My life is never boring.

Waiting for Feedback

2010-07-26T10:28:00.000-04:00

If you didn't know this about me, I really like feedback. Two-way communication. I like to blog to get my thoughts out, but I then spend time checking back to see if anyone has left a comment. It's the same way with posting on Facebook or sending an email. I have put something out there and am hoping someone will respond. It reminds me of pre-answering machine and caller-ID days. I'd leave a message for someone to call me and then wait. I couldn't go anywhere - not even to the bathroom because I might miss that call. Those were the pre-cordless phone days too. At least now I can get away and go to the bathroom while waiting for feedback. Or eat a snack or even work on the laundry. But my unanswered half of a conversation pulls me back in - I've got to check and see if there is a comment, a response, or at minimum if someone "likes" my Facebook status. It's a catch-22. If I stay away from electronic communication, I don't have to keep checking back. The more I stay online the more I have to check. I guess it's kind of like an addiction. Perhaps I'm addicted to communication. My daughter has pointed out to me that talking is my favorite past-time. I think she's right. I'd prefer to speak to people in person. Phone calls are next best. But everyone is so busy that those options usually aren't available. So, I guess I'll have to deal with wanting to check in frequently. And to make the most of the intervals between checks.

By the way, thanks to my sis for interrupting this blogging session with a Facebook chat just now. That was fun.

Bouncing Ideas

2010-07-24T10:04:00.001-04:00

So, I find myself thinking a lot of random thoughts - well maybe not so random - this morning. My two first choices for people to bounce ideas off-of are not available now. So, my wonderful blog readers get to hear me think.

What I'm mainly thinking about is adding on to our house. Or maybe not. I have such grand ideas, but although I've not actually gotten quotes on my ideas, I expect them to amount to essentially a second mortgage payment each month. I've been dreaming more about this since James' job has become stable again (well as stable as a job can be in today's environment). Of course, I know this about myself - I dream big. I have plans of adding on an addition to the back of the house which would allow space for a new family room, extended kitchen, renovated bathroom and laundry room on the main level. I also have visions of revamping the upstairs so we could renovate the kids' bathroom and add a master bath and closet. The cost of realizing these dreams, including time, money, and impact on our family (and 13 year old cat), is beginning to make me re-think how big I want to dream. I am starting to wonder what I can do with what we currently have to make it feel new and improved without any major construction involved.

One step I took recently was to ask James to list his likes and dislikes about this house and any items he would like to add or change. His list was way smaller than mine. I have to admit, I was not too happy when he shared it with me at first. I was grateful that he did take the time to make the list at my request. I was just disappointed that we didn't have more in common on our two lists. One thing that jumped out at me was that he liked our laundry being in the basement. On my wish list was a laundry room on the main level. I asked him why he liked it down there (of course I do most of the laundry) and he said he liked it in the basement in case of flooding. As much as I hate to admit it, he does have a point. And, with our new front-loading washer that has a mighty spin cycle, the house definitely shakes less with the washer on the concrete basement floor than it would on the main level. Plus, if I don't move the laundry to the main level, there is more room to play with on the main level for renovated bathroom and kitchen.

I also am liking the idea of actually going ahead and redecorating rooms that with our big remodel would likely have to be put on hold. For example, I am really tired of our living room rug and furniture. We could reupholster the furniture, get a new rug and install a gas-log fireplace insert, plus update the room with some new paint for a lot less than an addition onto the back of the house. I really do want to update the kitchen at minimum. I could stand to live with it a little longer without a major remodel if it got cleaned up and updated just a little. But I hope there is no lead paint on our original kitchen cabinets that are attached to our un-insulated, plaster walls!

Well, I feel better having put some of these thoughts in writing. If nothing else, I can come back and refer to them later. I think I need some professional advice to point me in the right direction. There are a lot of things we could do with the money we could spend on a big remodel/addition. Please feel free to offer feedback or suggestions, particularly the type of professional I should seek to help me make a good plan that James and I will both like.

24 Fun Stories

2010-06-24T16:59:00.000-04:00

Once upon a time there was a boy that was counting letters. His favorite letters were 24. And, his cat's favorite numbers were 91. And then his sister's favorite numbers were 51. And then his mom's favorite numbers were 25. And then his dad's favorite numbers were 91. And then his dog's favorite numbers were (he had two dogs): one dog's favorite numbers were 87. His other dog's favorite numbers were 95. And then his baby's favorite numbers were 56. And his other baby's favorite numbers were 99. And then his grandmother's favorite numbers were 42. And his granddaddy's favorite numbers were 21. And then they put all of their numbers into one big alphabet soup! And then they ate it all up and they forgot about one more person. Their granny.

The end.

Spanish

2010-06-24T16:48:00.000-04:00

I'm trying to learn Spanish. It is a good time for me to do it, as I have ample opportunities to practice in this area. I feel a strong desire to learn it. I believe there are friendships I am missing out on, as well as opportunities to help and be helped by others who don't speak English.

I mentioned this to one of my priests a few months ago, and lo and behold, it turned out that a fellow parishioner has just retired as a Spanish teacher and has offered to teach a group of us at church. We're learning basic conversational Spanish, and I hope to expand on that as much as possible. I dream of being fluent.

(Just a minute while I check to see if MC is sleeping. It's eerily quiet right now.)

Okay, we need to shift gears, because I am eliciting MC's help to keep her awake. We're going to write a story together now. I'll get back to my Spanish blog later.

Duke vs. Butler

2010-04-05T12:06:00.005-04:00

Perhaps nothing can let you in on how my mind works better than my dilemma of if/when to root for Duke basketball. I have nothing against the school. It is a fantastic university and I would be very proud if either of my kids ever chose to attend college there. I think Coach K is an admirable man who has accomplished a lot in his position at Duke for decades now. I have respect for the athletes there who are not only gifted in playing basketball but also in academics. I think it makes a strong statement that a relatively large number of Duke basketball alumni are now coaching in the NCAA. Again, that speaks to Coach K's good coaching. I even like Duke's school colors.

So why do I have such a hard time finding an opportunity to cheer for Duke?

Well, I think a lot of it has to do with arrogance that I've experienced at an impressionable time in my life. I was living in Chapel Hill in 1991 and 1992 when Duke won back-to-back NCAA tournament championships. They were a good team in 1993 as well, and there was a lot of talk about "three-peat" NCAA titles. I heard a lot of bragging and boasting from Duke alumni my age with whom I hung out a lot. And a lot of arrogance in the Duke community as well, I perceived. Perhaps I was projecting this, but at the time it left a bitter taste in my mouth. (Now I know Carolina fans can be equally as arrogant, but I hope if you ask those close to me you would find that I do not engage of that type of boasting.)

Also over the years, as Duke has continued to have strong basketball teams, they have won a lot of ACC championships. For a while, it had become quite boring to watch - Duke would win inevitably. I didn't care necessarily who would win, just someone other than Duke! I like for things to be fairly distributed, if you didn't know that about me.

So as the time has passed, I've been in and out of vigilant basketball watching. With children, I've been even less tuned-in to the basketball seasons. Whenever I'd find myself watching a game (always on tv - I have only ever been to one live ACC basketball game when I was given free tickets), I pull for a team based on a very complicated ranking of the teams.

The order of teams from favorite to least goes something like this:
1. Carolina (this is because I grew up in Chapel Hill and attended one summer course at UNC. Also my mom attended there for her master's degree - the reason for our move to Chapel Hill)
2. Wake Forest (I only applied to two colleges, Rhodes and Wake. Got into both, but ended up choosing Rhodes. My parents met there, so I'm grateful to WFU for bringing about my existence in a round-about way.)
3. NC State (because I live in Raleigh now)
4. Duke (so I say, because it's in NC)
5. Virginia, Maryland, Georgia Tech, Clemson (rounding out the ACC teams in the conference when I first started paying attention to bball in 1982)
6. Florida State (the next team to join the ACC)
7. Virginia Tech (they may actually get moved up in the list, depending on who they are playing, because we lived in Blacksburg when my dad got his master's degree, but are down here because they were among the last three teams added to the ACC.)
8. Boston College and University of Miami (the last teams added to the ACC)
9. Teams outside of the ACC

*Note: If Rhodes College ever has an amazing basketball team that has a chance at playing any of the teams above, it would automatically trump all rules and be at the top of my list. (Just to be clear)

But here's where it gets a little tricky:
1. I usually pull for Wake Forest even over Carolina, but am usually okay with whoever wins that game.
2. I find myself pulling for the underdog most of the time (unless Carolina or Wake Forest is playing them), and this seriously messes with my ranking of the teams.
3. Since Duke is typically good, and typically seeded high in tournaments, I often find myself pulling for their opposing team as the underdog.

Now that Duke is playing Butler in the NCAA championship game tonight, I think I might pull for Duke as the ACC representative. But Butler has such a great underdog story. They've had a terrific season and are playing well. I would be so happy for them to win tonight. Duke has had a great season and is also playing well. I'd like to think I'd be equally as happy for them if they win, but we'll have to see. No matter what, I hope it's a good game. I don't like games with lop-sided scores. The nail-biters make me do just that (well not really, because that is gross), but they are so exciting and I find I can be happy for both teams more easily in those cases.

So, I think the bottom line is I will probably pull for Butler tonight. Sorry Duke. But just for the record, I do think Duke deserves to win tonight, and probably will.

Backyard Sledding Jan 2010

2010-02-13T10:59:00.002-05:00

Why so serious?

2010-01-30T12:50:00.003-05:00

I'm watching the sleet coming down outside, having little desire to go out in it. The kids and James played outside a bit this morning, but came in saying they were finished being outside. It's a quiet day. I'm catching up on my email, thinking about doing some laundry and/or other housework. My hormones seem to be influencing my mood a bit toward the down-side. That will pass, as always, I'm sure.

My job at i3 Research will end next week. We will have finished the project. Hopefully the study's results will be published late this spring. I am a little sad to see it go, as I have really enjoyed the work and working with my fellow speech raters. I must admit, however, I am looking forward to the extra time not working will bring.

What has happened to funny Helen? I feel so serious all the time now. Got to get to the bottom of this. Has anyone encountered funny Helen recently? Light-hearted Helen? I miss her.

You know what? I just decided that I am going to start a jigsaw puzzle this afternoon. That should be fun. There is even room to spread it out on the dining room table. I like that idea. Maybe fun Helen will help me put it together.

Wednesday

2010-01-13T07:05:00.003-05:00

It's Wednesday. Tonight is choir night. In my new position as senior warden of our church I have a finance committee meeting to attend as well tonight. I've arranged childcare for the time when the finance committee is meeting, but the it's not time for the kids to start their choir rehearsals. I've turned over leadership of tonight's Beckwith Choir rehearsal to my assistant directors. I plan to attend adult choir rehearsal long enough to rehearse the anthem for this Sunday and a little beyond that. I will leave early enough to get back home for the kids' bedtime routines.

Originally I was going to work today, but had to make arrangements not to do so when MC got sick. Now it looks like she's going to be fine to go to school today. Too late to rearrange and work again. Someone is already covering my shift who wants the hours. So that leaves me with 4 hours by myself this morning (assuming MC does in fact go to school - don't know for sure yet because she's still sleeping). Her birthday (and party) are Sunday and the house could use a lot of TLC to prepare for our princess guests.

My goals for today house-wise are going to be kept simple: put away the Christmas decorations and gifts that are still in the living room, complete one cycle of laundry, begin to clean off the dining room table. Personally, my goals are simple too: read daily Scripture, prepare for finance committee meeting, apply root touch-up solution to combat the skunk-like look of my hair at the part-line. Already completed one goal: to blog.

First bloggable thoughts of 2010

2010-01-12T16:44:00.003-05:00

I'm still here, just haven't been blogging. Life is moving along steadily, and at a much faster pace than I wish. I really do appreciate those of you who may have checked in from time to time to see what I've been up to or what's on my mind.

I put this picture in for something to make you smile. I wore this dress in a wedding when I was around 5 or 6 years old.

Right now I've got a daughter who is feeling much better than she was in the middle of last night. Love to hear her singing and playing again.

So far I've caught up with all the daily Scripture passages I've been planning to read in 2010.

My family has clean underwear.

I know what I'm cooking for supper.

We don't have anywhere we have to be tonight.

It's just that so often when I come here to write, it's because I've been inspired to do so in an effort to put me in a better mood or solve some sort of problem. Something for me to work on: blogging out of funny or happy inspirations.

Stay tuned, and thanks for your patience.

not working

2009-11-19T16:22:00.002-05:00

my plan is not working so well. I am still feeling overwhelmed with things to do and having frustration about not getting them done, yet I am paralyzed when it comes to taking action. This is not entirely true, of course. I did figure out what leftovers we will have for supper and I did get the kids to the dentist today. But that didn't yield good news. Son got a referral to the orthodontist. Daughter has two more cavities! So we're going to have to floss and brush for her, as well as add an additional fluoride gel on top of her teeth after brushing at bedtime. Not fun for someone who doesn't want any help. Also, we will have to change some eating and drinking habits.

I'm feeling a little angry and frustrated and poor-me-ish. And guilty for all of those feelings. I do not like being a perfectionist! It is weighing me down right now.

clearing out the cobwebs

2009-11-19T09:24:00.006-05:00

I once again have so many thoughts swimming about in my head that I can't focus on one at a time. So this entry will just be thoughts (that I'm willing to share) that I am listing for the sole purpose of helping to make space in my head to be able to concentrate on a few select things. Then hopefully I will be able to accomplish some things that have not gotten done due to the excuse that I just can't focus on them.

plan menus
update resume
put things away
create homes for things that don't have homes
exercise
learn Spanish
vestry clerk work
put away spring/summer clothes
laundry
update filing system
complete obligated correspondence
trim bushes
use up pantry food that I bought on a whim
set up printer

Oh there are many more, but maybe writing down these will help. It would also help dramatically if I were not such a perfectionist about these things!

Thinking Out Loud

2009-10-23T11:45:00.003-04:00

Now that I've been back at work for a few months, I have gotten bitten by that helping others bug again. I love helping people communicate! So of course, I have started thinking about my career future again. I feel like I just finished college and was first figuring out what I wanted to do for a career. Only this time I like what I do. I think I just want to do that and more!

So the purpose of this entry is to get some of my thoughts out of my head. I also appreciate your feedback, as I rely on others to help me sort out my thoughts. I am not ready to jump ahead and take any irreversible action at this time. But I'd like to see what my options might be. Also, feel free to play devil's advocate with me, just indicate that you're doing so please. :)

Here are the parts of my job as a speech therapist that I really like:

working with other people
helping people with communication impairments make breakthroughs
working with both patients/clients and families
making a difference in their lives
the spiritual high I get when I am in a relationship with a patient and/or family member
how people seem to see my faith in me
how I get to see others' faith in action
teaching/training others

Here are things I don't necessarily do now but would like to do in a career:

public speaking
be able to communicate on a very basic level in Spanish when needed
teaching
counseling
provide multiple services for others through my own skills or a network of professionals/charity organizations

Here are some reasons why I need to take this slowly:

uncertainty of James' employment future
I tend to get ahead of myself at times
I already have a lot of commitments to others, especially to my family at this time
My family must be my priority
What if God is calling me to something new and different? How do I discern that?

Clean Playroom!

2009-09-07T12:50:00.004-04:00

I'm very happy with the new and improved playroom. I (with significant help from MC) have tossed a kitchen trashbag-full of broken, outdated, no longer wanted and not suited to give away stuff. (Actually MC removed a few things from the trash. Her help was with the rest of the project.)

We removed some toys that are used for periodic play and stored them in the basement. We rearranged the furniture so that the rug in the middle of the room is absolutely bare. MC showed me how she can now dance in there. We dusted and vacuumed too, and it looks great. Only thing is now that she's got space to play in there, she's taken out all of her doll and stuffed animal friends and is playing with them in the (clean) living room. But that's okay, because the dolls and animals have homes in the playroom. It will be easy to clean them up tonight before going to bed. Oh, if only we can keep it this way.... (fingers crossed).

I have to add that after I wrote this, MC initiated cleaning up her dolls and animals from the living room before she started watching Dora on tv. She said from now on she would always put things away before starting to play with something else. I did not have to say anything to her - all her idea! I love it!

Birthday Sleepover

2009-09-05T09:25:00.003-04:00

Happy Birthday, J! He is 9 years old today. We are currently finishing up his first sleepover. Two of his good friends spent the night here last night. We had lasagna and ceasar salad for supper (Jay's BD supper request), then went to see the movie "Shorts" which overall was a success, I think. One of his friends got up 5 or 6 times in the night, but doesn't remember any of it. And we thought Jay's sleepwalking was bad! This morning for breakfast we had bacon, apple slices and birthday cake. Then he got to open his presents.

The boys have been well-behaved, and MC has been a trooper. She came down with a cold last night, but she came with us to the movie and is now participating in Wii golf with the boys. We have 30 more minutes to go before pick-up.

Some of my favorite childhood memories were from birthday and slumber parties that my mom (I now realize) worked so hard behind the scenes to make happen for me. Thanks, Mom! I hope that my kids will have good memories of these parties too.

It's very interesting. Here in Raleigh, most of the birthday parties my kids have gone to have been held at some venue outside the home. All of the ones I went to were at my friends' houses. Perhaps that was because we were in the country and there weren't so many options. Many of my friends look at me in bewilderment when I say what we're doing for my kids' birthdays. "You're brave," they say. I'm just trying to foster friendships and create good memories.

And hopefully today there will be an opportunity for me to take a nap!

Cutting an Apron String

2009-07-11T21:31:00.003-04:00

Today was a milestone in my life and in my son's. The family drove him to Charlotte, where he boarded a plane as an unaccompanied minor and flew to Huntsville AL. His grandparents were there to pick him up. It was wonderful to hear his excited voice calling from their cell phone at the Huntsville airport. It's a little strange around here without him, but I'm so happy he has this opportunity.

Time for a new post

2009-05-05T11:15:00.003-04:00

Here are a couple of blog-worthy things to share:

1. yesterday MC gave me some early Mother's Day presents that she had made. (J also gave me some that he had made, and they were wonderful too.) My favorite gift she made for me was a piece of white paper with smaller, cut-out pieces of white paper glued down onto the big piece. It was then folded in half while the glue was still wet. When presented to me, she said I should open it up. The partially-dried globs of glue made it a little challenging to unfold completely. I commented that I liked the design made by the ripped paper. J asked her what it was. I am the proud owner of "something you can do when you don't want to do what you have to do" - I know you are jealous!

2. also yesterday I came downstairs to find MC holding a handful of chocolate cheesecake at the bottom of the stairs, saying, "mmmm. chocolate!" Then a piece of the cheesecake fell onto the floor. I escorted her into the kitchen where the refrigerator door was left open, and the aluminum foil that contained two large pieces of chocolate cheesecake was opened and sitting on her chair at the table. A rather large chunk was missing from one piece. I let her eat the rest of it, but told her she was finished with dessert for the rest of the day! I had been planning to offer her some of the cheesecake for dessert after supper. We had gotten it from the baker who didn't want to take it home from a party James and I went to the night before last. She has started trying to reach things and do things by herself lately. Unfortunately, it means I have to be more vigilant when we're alone in the house. I have gotten spoiled by her relative independence lately. But now she's pushing chairs up to the refrigerator and the pantry and trying to get to things that were put up high for a reason. Especially with snacks, she goes for the less nutritious things and fills up on those when I'm not looking. So I'm going to have to look more. Or install some more challenging locks or obstacles to keep her out.

3. I haven't been working out for the past three-plus weeks because I've been working at my research job when Curves is open. it's really not a good excuse. I could have gotten up early and walked in my neighborhood, or done floor exercises at home, or put in my pilates DVD and worked out that way. I could have run a little too, if I had really wanted to. But I did get to Curves today because I'm not working today. In fact this is my last week at that job until there is more data to rate in November. I burned 508 calories, according to the Curves software, and I did some floor exercises after I finished the circuit. I also did push-ups again for the first time in a month, I think. I didn't make it to 26, which I had previously been able to do in three spurts. I did make it to 20, though, in four spurts. It feels good to have worked out today. I know I have some work to do to make exercise a priority in my daily life when I have a busy schedule. While this job is ending for now, I have enjoyed working again, and I hope to find some other part-time work in the near future. James still is employed at his long-time job, at least for today. We're grateful for that.

Organizing

2009-04-03T10:14:00.002-04:00

Yesterday I made a decision that we were going to order pizza for supper instead of me cooking. I used the time to pick up the living room. It is still dusty and needing the vacuum, but the floor and furniture are clear of debris and it actually looks peaceful. It also feels peaceful to go in there right now. MC said, "wow Mommy, you cleaned up!" She seemed very happy about it. She also made a point of showing me how she put some toys she had brought into the living room back in the play room when she had finished with them. I praised her big-time for that. Then she started saying how her room is really messy and she should clean it up. This morning she said she thought the playroom would never get cleaned up. I told her it definitely would. Now that we have the living room clean, we can keep it clean and then work our way into the playroom. In fact, my next living space to organize after my desk is going to be the playroom. I picked it because I know having that room as an enticing place to play will make a big impact on the neatness of the living room and the dining room. Those rooms have become alternate play areas since the playroom has probably less than 4 square feet of total empty floor space. Walking through it is definitely like going through an obstacle course!

I am encouraged that MC is noticing my efforts and independently expressing interest in helping me keep things neat, as well as that she might actually care about the clutter. I had thought that no one else cared about it in the family. It will certainly help me to stay on track with an ally like her.

Another Full Day

2009-03-25T19:28:00.003-04:00

Here is some of what I've done today:

woke up around 7:15 and helped get kids ready for school
took MC to school at 9:15
worked out at Curves
visited a friend at her new office for 15 minutes
picked up MC from school with my mom and went to Costco
divided up the Costco goods with my mom - this is becoming a regular thing that we do
sent an email regarding ECW work from yesterday and also left a voicemail about this
prepared the lesson plan and made up trivia questions for the children's choir rehearsal I directed this evening
talked with my choir director about my decision to not sing with them at rehearsal tonight and on Good Friday
called James for help with kids tonight (usually he is on his own on Wed. nights and picks up the kids from church at 7:00 and then I go to adult choir rehearsal) - I figured MC was way too grumpy to cooperate with me (she fell into a deep sleep and had a very hard time waking up) and J should probably stay home tonight since he's behind on his sleep, has had some breathing trouble, and has been generally uncooperative recently. Especially last night after I finished this blog. he had a meltdown over some homework that was challenging. He asked for help but would not accept it as given (sorry, Momme, I remember treating you the same way over math homework). Yelling and screaming pursued - mostly his this time. Ultimately he finished his homework and went to sleep at around 9:45 pm.
went to children's choir rehearsal (again planning not to take J, but he followed me to the car and it would have taken James and me both to physically restrain him in order for him not to go, so he came along)
J and I "discussed" his behavior and my expectations of him during and after rehearsal while we were sitting in the parking lot before we went into church. Thank God for child safety locks!
Completed rehearsal, and brought J home
started this blog entry
I'm sure there are more things that would be worth mentioning, but they're not coming to mind right now. So I'll sign off. I've got to go to my job tomorrow, and I have a lot of preparing to do for our church retreat this weekend.
For the record, all is going well at this very moment. J is finishing his homework and MC just came out of the bathroom clean and dressed in pajamas after her shower - yes shower. She's really a big girl now, you know.
Oops! MC just brought her wet doll into the living room and it dripped on J's homework which was left on the floor. Let's hope it all works out alright.

Accomplished Today

2009-03-24T19:07:00.008-04:00

Here are some of the things I've accomplished today:

Got out of bed at 7:15 and cooked sausage for the family
Helped J stay focused so he could be on time for school
Took J to school at 8:00 for chorus rehearsal before the bell at 8:30
Got a shower before taking MC school at 9:15
Read "Pinkalicious" to MC's class at 9:30
Met with my co-chair of the Diocesan ECW Raleigh Convocation to discuss business for 45 minutes
Worked with my friend Danielle - walked through the house to determine patterns of my clutter, took some notes, decided where to start decluttering and organizing (my desk), and got homework assigned from her to complete before next Tuesday's meeting
Picked up MC from school on time
Provided lunch for MC, Danielle and myself
Folded the white load of laundry that had been sitting in the dryer
Washed and dried a load of dark laundry (still sitting in the dryer at the moment)
Mailed 7 sympathy cards to church members who recently had family members who died (part of my job as vestry clerk)
Left a voicemail and sent an email related to ECW business discussed with co-chair this am
Decided what to cook for supper
Posted two entries on my blog (including this one)
Read some other people's blogs
Spent a little time on Facebook
Picked up J after Science Olympiad meeting today (like a quiz bowl competition to be held on 4/18) at 4:00
Talked with J about his day and what homework he has to do before tomorrow
Cooked supper (frozen pizza, sweet potatoes, and salad) and set the table - the whole family ate together at 5:20
Encouraged J to get ready for Taekwando (he really needs help at times to stay focused and remember that the clock keeps ticking in the real world - it seems to come to a standstill in his world) and gently escorted him to the van so James could take him to his lesson
Cleaned up after supper
Helped with a bath for MC
Dealt with MC's freaking out about her bandaids that were practically falling off - she ended up taking them off by herself and was very proud. I was very grateful!
Gave J his inhaler to use after he was having trouble breathing when he returned from Taekwando
Starting to get a little concerned about his breathing - he hasn't needed the inhaler in several months, and it had been several years prior to that. He's sitting in his chair reading but his breathing seems labored. He assured me he felt better after the inhaler. Now he's talking to his dad and his breathing seems more natural while he's talking so hopefully that's a good sign
That pretty much takes me up to the hour. It's my turn to read to MC tonight, and her bedtime is right about now. I plan to relax some more tonight, start the dishwasher which is full of dirty dishes, and try to go to bed earlier than usual.

Okay - Here's Something Funny to Post

2009-03-24T15:21:00.002-04:00

Last night I woke up to the bathroom light being turned on by J and typical moving-around-in-the-bathroom sounds. I waited in my bed to see if he would require me to tuck him back in or turn out the light for him, which is often the case when he gets up in the night. As I lay there, however, I started hearing him make some whimpering-like sounds. These are typical sounds he makes when he is sleep-walking, which occurs once every 2 months, maybe? So I got up to investigate and found him brushing his teeth. I asked him why he was brushing his teeth, but he only whimpered a little more. He spit out the toothpaste - fortunately his actual toothpaste and not his dad's shaving cream or my facial soap - and left the toothbrush on the counter, then went back to bed. I pulled the covers over him and turned out the bathroom light. This morning when I first went into the bathroom I realized the toothbrush he was using was in fact mine! I laughed out loud and went to ask J about it. He emphatically denied that he brushed his teeth in his sleep - had no recollection of it whatsoever! But he definitely did do some sleep-brushing last night! Pretty funny, I think.

Life Is Not Fair

2009-03-23T16:00:00.002-04:00

A good friend of mine called today to say a job she was really hoping was going to work out for her did not. They had hired someone else. What a disappointment. She's been looking for a new job since she was "downsized" last year. She is smart, capable, funny, responsible. It's just not fair that she's having such a hard time finding a new job. She doesn't deserve this. At the same time, however, I must say I am amazed at how she has handled this situation for these past months. In her I see that God has been right there in the midst of her life all this time. She has persevered where others might have given up. She has a strong faith and a good support system that will pull her through, even though she sometimes might be in doubt about them - especially her faith.

There is a lot of this kind of stuff going around. I hope all who are experiencing such tough times are able to see God at work despite the negatives. And to my friend, who reads this blog from time to time, I'm cheering for you and I'm here for you and I love you very much!

Getting It Together

2009-03-22T19:31:00.002-04:00

Okay. I really feel like I might do it this time. I am going to pay a friend whom I trust to see my personal clutter and state of (un)cleanliness in my house. She is going to keep me on track and give me homework assignments to declutter and organize my house. This is not going to happen overnight, but I feel good about it. I really, when it comes right down to it, need help. I have so much stuff - mostly papers and containers and things I think I might be able to use down the road - that I am completely overwhelmed at the task at hand. I then lose focus and start the downward spiral that leaves me feeling bad about myself.

I have started a part time job, and have an interview for another part-time job on Friday. If I am going to start putting in work hours, I need to have this house in better shape. I want to be able to come home to a place of peace - not despair. I also know that when I can make "homes" for things that currently do not have homes (e.g., kids' art and papers/posters, toys; keepsakes; clothes; things I think need to file) it will be much easier to teach the kids how to pick up after themselves, as well as to maintain some sense of order around here.

I'm ready to have something funny to write about in here. I seem so serious lately. Maybe I'll come up with something like that soon.

A Loss of Enthusiasm

2009-03-17T13:07:00.003-04:00

I have been trying to carefully select the responsibilities to which I commit. Right about now, however, I feel over-committed. And I don't feel like I can take anything off my plate. I have spoken with the adult choir director at church, and I will be leaving some rehearsals early - especially when I have other night-time commitments within the week. For example, tonight I have a vestry meeting, so tomorrow I'll leave choir rehearsal early in order to get home to help out with bedtime. I've also said there will be some weeks when I just can't attend choir with all the other personal and family commitments. But in terms of roles that I play, I don't see any that I can remove at this time. The one I am least excited about, and which was added last, is that of co-chair of the Raleigh Convocation for the diocesan Episcopal Church Women (ECW). This is only a one-year commitment, but today I wish I had said no. I suppose I might be able to find someone to take over for me, but that is the only way I feel I can bow out at this time. And I do have a co-chair, so I don't have to do it alone.

Part of the reason for this feeling of over-commitment is due to my new job and the possibility of adding on another part-time job to that. Plus doing all the work in my head to arrange childcare is challenging to say the least. Not to mention the phone calls/conversations/logistics arranging that I have to do to implement my plans.

Most of the time I feel good and optimistic. I wish I had a clean house, though. I've started asking my children to help out more, and for the most part, they have stepped up - especially J, believe it or not! I seem to be the only family member who has an opinion about things left out, bathrooms that need cleaning, dust bunnies multiplying exponentially, dishes that just don't seem to get clean. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother to clean/straighten up if my family doesn't seem to mind the mess. But I feel lots better when it is not messy. I just don't like feeling like I'm the bad guy trying to make others do things they don't seem to believe are even necessary in the first place.

I am so ready for some sunshine. We've had 4 or 5 days straight of dreary, rainy, cloudy, cold weather. It's enough to make an optimist see the glass as half-empty! It's coming, though, one day soon. And when it does, I expect my mood will become more sunny as well.

Lots to Do

2009-03-11T13:44:00.002-04:00

This chapter of my life is full of things to get done. I have started a new part-time job as a rater for a clinical trial for a potential treatment of stuttering in adults. This will be about 4 hours per week to start. The number of hours will ebb and flow as the data for the study comes in, but I will be on the job for the duration of the study - probably around a year. I still have the children's choir to direct, the vestry to organize, the meals to prepare, the laundry to complete, the child-raising to do, the husband-supporting to do, and the juggling of priorities every day.

Doors are opening up in a variety of ways - work, childcare, discernment of my callings, opportunities for exercise. It's exciting but seems to be moving so fast. James still has his job as of today. That's what we say to ourselves each day. His company is still under chapter 11 bankruptcy protection, which means a layoff would yield zero severance pay. We are handling things fairly well, I think. We're both very tired, though, these days. I know this uncertainty is hard on him. What I am convinced of, however, is that no matter what happens with his job, we will be okay. We will not lack for what we need. We may discover, however, things that we really don't need in the process. And I think that would be a fine thing to discover.

I don't know how this life chapter will affect my blogging. I will make myself sit down to post entries when it's been too long. Or you may start seeing posts more than once a day! I'll just see how it all flows.

On to the shower. I haven't had a chance to do that yet today, and I think it is now at the top of my priority list.

Good Morning

2009-02-26T06:24:00.002-05:00

I woke up early this morning and couldn't get back to sleep. I didn't try very hard, actually. I am grateful to have been given this new day and all of the opportunities it affords.

On my agenda for today is to go get a drug screen as part of my new part-time job that looks like I might actually have soon. We have an additional day of training next Thursday. I can't remember if I blogged about this job or not, so I will provide more info about it later if I haven't.

Also today I am supposed to meet with the interim director of the Raleigh Convocation Choir, which recently formed, and of which I am a member. We're supposed to talk about the future/direction of this choir among other things. It's fun to be a part of the group, but I did receive some feedback from someone at church last night that it shouldn't be called the RCC if people from over the convocation didn't have an opportunity to at least audition. I didn't defend the choir, just said I'd pass on the feedback at my lunch today. I can see both sides. The idea was to start with a core group of singers whose voices were known to the director and then expand with auditions from churches within the convocation (greater Raleigh area). But from the outside, when you first hear of this, the feeling is that the choir is exclusive. I must admit I've been reluctant to talk about it with my church choir friends because I don't want them to feel bad. Thus, I've contributed to the problem. Oh well. I'll give it to God to iron out.

Later this afternoon, it's the science fair at J's school. He and a friend worked together this year. I am thrilled that this boy called to ask J to work with him. Furthermore, all the work was completed at his house! We will see what the judges think when we go by the school tonight. Tomorrow this friend will come home with J after school and stay through supper. I'm glad to see him making a new close friend.

It's the second day of Lent, and as a good Episcopalian, I am trying to be more self-disciplined than usual as I prepare for Easter. (I have a lot of room to go in the self-discipline category!) I think I will actually go and take my shower now before the kids wake up. I usually don't get to that until later in the day if the shower does indeed occur on a given day.

I hope you have a good day.

I'm still here

2009-02-18T13:09:00.002-05:00

I just haven't blogged lately. It seems I can't come up with a topic about which to write whenever I think about blogging. So I don't do it. Today's entry isn't about anything in particular. It's a cold and wet day - very conducive for a nap. So far I'm not giving in to that temptation, however. I will go and do some laundry in a bit. I will make a meatloaf this afternoon for supper. I will get my things together to direct the children's choir tonight.

See - now I don't know what else to say.

Perhaps a nice cup of coffee would help.

The kids are doing well. It's never boring around here at all. It just gets really annoying sometimes with all the high-pitched squeals and increased volume in the house. I sure do love them, though. And overall they get along very well. That pleases me so much.

As always, I am grateful for everything that has gone right in my life. And for what hasn't, as I'd like to believe I am stronger for those not-right things. Guilt comes easily to me, and I don't think it is a healthy or helpful emotion. So I try to think through why I don't need to feel guilty. If I do need to feel guilty, I try to remedy what I've done wrong so I don't have to experience guilt about that anymore.

I'm quiet today. Not my typical M.O. Reflecting, pausing, accepting, just being.

But the pile of dirty laundry in my bedroom is about as tall as the bed. So it's time to take it to the basement. Then maybe I'll reward myself with a little snack. I'll consider eating something fairly healthy, too. I am actually hungry right now - my stomach is even growling. So I won't be eating simply as a reward. I'm just going to get some work done before I satisfy my hunger. And aren't I so lucky to have access to healthy food here in my house that I can eat when I'm hungry. God bless those who aren't so lucky.

Spelling Assignment

2009-01-26T20:25:00.003-05:00

Here is a paragraph that J wrote as a spelling assignment this month. I'm not sure which of the words were actual spelling words, but he apparently came up with this to say from the words on his spelling list.

"I think my mom is a very kind person. She cooks meals for all of us every day. She always has a warm face and gives me warm kisses. She never frowns, not even when she's mad. Then, she only has a stern look. Best of all, I love it when she helps me go to sleep. My mom is the best ever!"

His teacher gave him a check-plus, and added "Sounds like it!!"

As I write this my son is having one of his difficult moments. I wanted to record this on my blog just in case I ever lose the piece of paper. It will be very helpful for me to re-read in times like this.

Up Early for a Saturday

2009-01-24T07:26:00.003-05:00

I woke up early for a Saturday this morning. I got up to use the bathroom at 6:36 and couldn't go back to sleep. So I got up again and came downstairs. So far this morning, I've let the cat out and in and out and in and out and in, and shaken his bowl of food so that the little heart Aunt Sarah painted at the bottom of his dish is covered up. He prefers not to see that when he's eating. I have also made a pot of coffee which sounds like it's close to finished now. This is always a big accomplishment for me since my knight in shining armor of a husband makes and - get this: brings me a cup of coffee in bed!! - most mornings. I have also exchanged a few words with J, who fairly regularly wakes up around 7:00am. And last but not least, I have blogged a bit so far today. Yay me! Going to get a cup of coffee now and just sit with it for a little while and sip as I continue to wake up.

Blogging from a laptop

2009-01-22T21:28:00.002-05:00

This is my first post composed at the laptop that my mother gave me when she got a new one and that a very generous friend revamped for me at no charge. (He did accept a bottle of wine as a token of my appreciation.) I'm hoping that I will be able to download videos from my new camera that James gave me for Christmas and post them more often via this laptop. I haven't installed the camera software yet, nor have I downloaded any pictures or videos. That is a soon-to-happen project that I anticipate will benefit this blog.

Life goes on. I am trying to stay in alignment as best as I can. James' company has declared bankruptcy, and while he has a job as of today, his future there is extremely uncertain. I have an interview next week for a part-time job that I hope will be a good fit for me. The kids are doing well. We had two snow days this week, plus the MLK holiday on Monday. So it's been a long week with the kids at home longer than expected. I spent much of Tuesday watching inauguration coverage. It is hard not to take for granted the peaceful transfer of power in our government. How very, very fortunate we are.

MC turned 4 on Saturday. We celebrated with a purple party which she had been planning ever since her pink party last year ended. By the way, she's already planning her 5th birthday party, and it's back to pink for that. J told me tonight that since she's already planning her next one, he is starting to plan his next one. When do kids outgrow birthday parties? That's what I want to know.

My grandmother (dad's mom and only surviving grandparent of James or me) turns 90 tomorrow! Both of my dad's sisters are flying into town to celebrate with her (and us). My uncle was unable to come due to work requirements. He will be with us in spirit, no doubt. I am looking forward to being able to spend some time with them, even if it is short. To reach 90 is certainly a milestone.

Happy New Year to all of my devoted readers. Thanks so much for your interest in what is on my mind. It means a lot to me.

2009 - The Year of Alignment

2009-01-08T10:30:00.002-05:00

I have declared that 2009 is the Year of Alignment for me. When I say this, I mainly mean body alignment: maintaining good posture, not crossing my legs, keeping my feet pointed forward and not outward, being aware of where my body is in space and making a conscious effort to keep everything aligned as it was intended to be. Doing so will make me feel better about myself as I look thinner and fit better into my clothes. Case in point: I am wearing my size 10 jeans that I was able to fit into a year ago, but had not worn in the last 6 months. When I stand/sit up straight, they fit very well, and my muffin-top belly mostly disappears. When I start to slouch, the muffin top comes back and the pants start to give me indigestion. I realize that losing a few more inches in my mid-section will help this as well, and I intend to do that. But it sure does feel good to get back into them. Anyway, I digress a little. Alignment also means to me getting my priorities set appropriately for this stage of my and my family's lives. Aligning my goals and actions with what I believe God has in mind for me to do. Saying yes to things that are fun and/or interesting to me because they are in alignment with my God-given gifts and talents. Saying no to things that are not in my best interest or in that of my family. Alignment means having a basic structure to my days that allows me to fit in some sort of exercise, time with my husband and kids, prayer/devotion/scripture study time, and time for me to do my Helen-things like blogging, for instance. It also means keeping a perspective that when my day/body/priorities are out of alignment, I accept it with God's grace and simply readjust as best as I can and go on. Lastly, I want to align myself with others so that I am aware of what is going on in their lives and make choices that benefit them as well as me - both people I know and the rest of the world in general. So, as I adjust my posture and seating alignment in this chair again, I will carry on in my Year of Alignment.

New Taekwondo Chapter

2009-01-06T21:32:00.004-05:00

Tonight I took J to his first individual Taekwondo class. The photo is of him receiving his new camouflage belt from Master Wegmann. After lots of consideration, we decided that it is best for him to continue alone. This will be his area of expertise. It should take him about 2 years to earn his first black belt.
I was impressed with how quickly he caught on to the new moves tonight, especially the ones with some of the TKD weapons that he got for Christmas.
The other good news about Taekwondo is that J won a Wii in their membership drive drawing the night of our graduation to camo belts. A friend of his (via his grandmother who is a good friend of mine) signed up to take classes. As a result J ended up with a bunch of tickets in the bowl so he had a good chance of winning. The Wii was the grand prize from the drawing. We get to pick it up after class on Thursday! He is so excited about it. I hope it meets his expectations. I'm looking forward to it too!

Brainstorming New Year's Resolutions

2009-01-05T14:13:00.003-05:00

First of all, I know myself well enough to say I will be making new month's resolutions and even that will be a stretch. But at least I get to start over again on a fairly regular basis. I thought I'd just brainstorm here about some potential goals/resolutions. Here goes:

do my push-ups every day
stop eating in front of the tv
stop eating snacks after 9:30 pm
stretch for approximately 5 minutes every day
go to bed earlier/get up earlier while getting enough sleep
earn CEU's on a regular basis (~1 per month/10 hours per month)
write thank you notes in a timely manner
actually hand-write thank you notes
spend more time really listening to my children
stop crossing my legs when I sit (I understand it contributes to varicose veins)
have a regular devotion time each day

That's enough for now. Actually that's enough - period!

Why Do I Have Such a Hard Time With This?

2008-12-12T14:24:00.002-05:00

So many times I want to sit down and post something on my blog. Then I get here and stop and think, "what's on my mind?" I wonder what in the world I can write about this time. I think through what's been happening lately. Even that is hard to remember. I guess things must be pretty good for me overall, if I have such trouble thinking about what to write. I am so grateful for my health and my family's health; for the special people in my life; for my faith in God. There are a lot of folks out there right now going through hard times. Health issues, deaths, poverty, job loss, crises of faith, depression, house break-ins, the works. I pray that not only will I be aware of others going through tough times, but that I will always be aware of my fortune and not take anything for granted. Further, I pray that I will as much as possible go beyond awareness and take action to share my blessings or listen to another's misfortune; simply to do something to make others' lives better. I know I already do some of this. I do not do nearly enough, however. Always good intentions, but such poor follow-through. Just like so many aspects of my life, I guess this is another work in progress.

Yucky News

2008-12-11T16:41:00.002-05:00

I just learned this afternoon of the unexpected death of a fellow church member. He was 33 years old and from what I hear, just didn't wake up this morning. He was one of those folks you don't quite call a friend necessarily, but to whom you would speak if you saw him out in public. He came to our house once to give me a quote on some work through the business he had founded, I believe. His wife I know even less, but I am so sad for her. It's a yucky day weather-wise here too, so I'm having a hard time feeling jolly around my kids. I'm going to go start supper, so I will have something to focus on.

CEU relief

2008-12-05T15:29:00.002-05:00

I found out yesterday that I can go ahead and apply for inactive status as a speech pathologist. Once I get a job, I will have to reactivate and will be required to obtain only 10 CEU's (about 100 hours) during the first year of work. Then I'll be assigned a new three-year period in which to earn my next 30 CEU's. This takes a lot of pressure off for now. I will work toward getting CEU's in the meantime, however, since I think potential employers would like to see that I have made the effort to keep current. It's also good for my brain to learn new information. Since I last wrote about this topic, I earned my first .6 CEU's, and it only took me around 4.5 hours. That's not bad. The best part is they were free.

Birthday Cake

2008-11-21T15:56:00.002-05:00

For my birthday cake this year, Jay and I went to our local Whole Foods bakery and ordered it. I picked out the flavor (chocolate cake with peanut butter buttercream frosting) and Jay decided what it should say. Then James picked it up and paid for it on my birthday. It worked out very well. James said everyone who touched the cake in the process of getting it home had a big smile when they saw it.

Catch 22

2008-11-21T15:25:00.003-05:00

Okay. I've been looking into what it will take to get all of my continuing education units necessary to maintain my licence and certification as a speech-language pathologist. I need 30 CEU's by Dec. 31, 2009. That means roughly 300 hours of work, or 6 hours per week for 50 weeks. That's a lot! So I found out from the certification people that if I do not work as an SLP during the period of Jan. 1, 2007 through Dec. 31, 2009 (which I haven't so far), I can apply for inactive status. This would mean that for the first year I return to work, I will be required to earn 10 CEU's to make up for the inactive period. But that's more like 2 hours a week instead of 6. Plus I would be making some money then to help cover costs of acquiring CEU's. They can be very expensive (for example, an upcoming workshop being held in Raleigh for SLP's for .6 CEU's would cost close to $300). Fortunately, there are free CEU opportunities through private companies that I can earn online. There are similar online courses I can take for low-costs as well. So here's my dilemma: do I wait to go back to work (as an SLP) until after Dec. 31, 2009 so that I don't have to earn 30 CEU's in just over one year? Or do I go back to work when the time is right, and get started earning CEU's so I can meet my requirement by the deadline? One thing is for certain. Given my lifestyle right now, there is no way I can complete all the online courses needed in blocks of time here at my home computer desk. I will need a laptop with wireless access so I can take it with me to places like dance class, preschool, vacations, my parents' house, (probably not the grocery store), etc. and work on it whenever I get the chance. Plus James and I could both access the internet at the same time at home. I guess I've got to do some research to see what it would take to get properly equipped and how much it would cost. Anyone have a good lead on a cheap basic laptop that could download photos and email attachments and provide access to the internet with wireless capability? I guess it won't hurt anything to begin acquiring those free CEU's right away. Even if I end up not needing them because I don't go back to work for another year. Sometimes the system is really screwed up.

I made it!

2008-11-17T21:03:00.002-05:00

I made it to 40 and had a great time celebrating the milestone with family and good friends. The day before my birthday, I completed 10 push-ups after my Curves workout. However, after taking this last week off from exercise I could not complete that many last night. So, my new goal is 10 full push-ups, but to be able to do them without pause or much strain. And my goal includes doing them every day, because I learned how quickly they faded away last night after a week off. So I'll keep you posted, of course.

I'm sure, however, that you if you are taking the time to read this blog you are interested in more than how many push-ups I can do. So what else can I tell you? I joined Facebook last month. So far it's fun to reconnect with old friends, but the reconnections haven't amounted to much more than requests to become friends and subsequent confirmations. It can be addicting, so I purposely try not to spend too much time there.

That's all I can think of at this hour. Must be too much dandruff weighing down on my brain!

Three-year-old language

2008-11-06T08:33:00.001-05:00

Yesterday MC was trying to remember how old she is. We had recently observed that she passed 3 1/2 and is now 3 3/4. She said she was "three and three nickels". I love it!

Political Absurdity and Count-Down to 40

2008-11-03T14:46:00.006-05:00

Thanks for your comments about my dandruff posting. I have found myself not checking my arms and shoulders for flakes as much this week. The burden is definitely lighter. And yes - I made my pushup goal! I'll update my goal to a new number and deadline soon.

I am really looking forward to the election being over. I have to say, though, there are two political ads that stand out as the most ridiculous one's I've encountered in this whole election season. The first one came in the mail addressed to James (a republican). It pictured John McCain and Hillary Clinton in one photo smiling and looking at one another as if they were teenagers in love. The ad went on to praise Hillary for opening the doors for girls in politics (including John McCain's three daughters). This from republicans who can't stand anything to do with a Clinton? Very genuine, I'm sure.

The second ridiculous ad was a tv commercial James and I saw last night. It was for Obama and talked about how if you wanted to see what America's future looks like with John McCain, all you have to do is look in your rear-view mirror. Then it showed George Bush smiling with John McCain in the rear-view mirror. It almost seemed like the same picture of McCain with Hillary (just substitute W). You don't think they could be faking some of those photographs, do you? Alas. These ads will all be over within 36 hours. I am voting tomorrow, hopefully when the line is not extremely long.

Much more fun for me, I am counting down the days until I turn 40. 5 more to go! My college friend Becky arrives into town on Thursday night to spend the weekend with me. I am really embracing this new decade and full of gratitude for all the blessings in my life.

Dandruff

2008-10-30T13:47:00.003-04:00

I've been composing this post in my head for a while now. It's something I want to "come clean" about, if you will: I have a dandruff problem.

So now that I've said that, there are some other things that come to mind related to that statement.

Those of you who are close to me may already be aware that I have dandruff.
If you already knew, you can stop worrying that I don't know about it, because I do.
I have tried a variety of shampoos and conditioners for dandruff and other scalp-conditions.
My dermatologist says that the best way to help it is to wash it every day.
I don't want to change my lifestyle so that I have to wash my hair every day.
The hair itself doesn't need to be washed every day. In fact, I think it's better for my hair not to wash it daily. It certainly is better for my daily living patterns, and of course uses less water.
I also color my hair and pay a significant portion of my budget to do it. Medicated shampoos make the color fade faster. I'm not willing to stop coloring my hair at this point.
The fall/winter seasons bring out my dark wardrobe. My coats are mostly brown or black. I like to wear turtlenecks of solid, dark colors.
Thus, my white dandruff is going to be more noticeable during the cooler months.
I know this sounds silly, but I want to make sure people still like me even though I have dandruff.
I really want to be able to relax and not worry about whether my dandruff is showing or not. I spend so much time trying to get it off me so that no one will notice it.
I want to be able to trust that others will not judge me for having dandruff.
But since I can't control whether or not others will judge me or think unkindly of me, I want to be able to be at peace if/when others do judge me for having dandruff.
I think dandruff is annoying and frustrating - and it really itches sometimes! But I don't want it to control what I feel comfortable doing. That is just not right.
So there you have it. If you have never noticed it before, you'll probably find yourself checking me out the next time you see me to see if you can spot any flakes. Go ahead - I am the one who has called your attention to it. Just know that it presents a self-esteem issue for me and help me defeat what power dandruff has over me by loving me anyway (or at least putting up with me for the time being!)

Some Biking Photos from the Weekend

2008-10-16T16:35:00.002-04:00

A Sense of Calm

2008-10-13T16:47:00.002-04:00

Today I am calmer than I have been over the past week. Between worries about the economy and how it may impact my family, my grandmother's new living situation, getting ready for my parents-in-law's visit this past weekend and chairing the nominating committee for the women's group at church, I have barely had a moment to think for myself. Much less a minute of feeling calm. (Oh and did I mention MC's urinary tract infection that led to a gazillion accidents, piles of laundry, and repeated battles to get medicine in her this weekend?) And James and I taught Sunday School yesterday too!

Anyway, MC's infection is under control with bribes of sugar, honey, and Oreos (so far) to get the medicine in her. And we had a very nice visit with James' parents. Plus, J figured out how to ride his new bike without training wheels while they were here. It was one of my favorite parenting moments ever. James would give him a push to start him off on a flat, grassy trail near our house. Once James let go, he stayed put and J pedalled as far away as he could. When he stopped, he looked back at how far he'd gone, got off his bike and ran to us with a huge grin, giving us high fives and big hugs. It was just great.

Today I was able to go to Curves and get in a good workout while MC was at school. It has been one month since I started their new Curves-Smart program. While I am the same weight I was a month ago, I lost a total of 4 inches from various parts of my body in the past month! Finally getting back on track feels good. And for a progress report, I was able to complete 5 man-pushups after my workout today for the first time ever. My goal is to be able to do 8 by my birthday on November 8th.

Can't Sleep

2008-10-05T02:54:00.003-04:00

I woke up about 40 minutes ago needing to use the bathroom. Just as I got into the bathroom, J came out of his room - not sure he was awake. I spoke to him and asked him if he wanted to go first. He said yes, and got a drink of water. Then he went back toward his room. I asked again if he wanted to use the bathroom and he said yes. But he put himself back in bed. So I tucked him in and went back to the bathroom. Then I couldn't get back to sleep. I hate lying in bed trying to go back to sleep, so I got up. I know that sitting here in front of the computer is probably not sleep-inducive. However, I thought maybe it would at least be an outlet for some of the thoughts going through my mind.

My friend Danielle, whom I met at Curves, came over for supper tonight. The kids had never met her but were so excited that she was coming. They even sat outside on the front steps watching for her for several minutes before she came. Once she arrived they started showing her magic tricks and asking her questions and I don't know what all. I had biscuit dough on my hands when she came so I called to her from the kitchen. James had to help her make her exit to come say hello to me! She was wonderful with the kids - they immediately loved her. It was the first time she and my family had met. I was very proud to introduce them all. MC insisted that we sing the Church Girls and Operator songs from the Follies. We also sang the "spit in your eye song" ("I Cain't Say No" from Oklahoma!). She loves to sing this song with me. I will sing the first part of a line and let her finish it. It is too cute. Jay even came up to sing Operator with us. Oh my. I know Danielle had no idea what she was in for when she accepted my invitation to dinner.

Oh, and by the way, J's clean laundry is currently in his room. He got it out of the dryer by himself, on his own initiative. I asked him if he'd like my help folding it. He first said yes, but changed his mind when I got there, saying he thought he could do it himself. So I left him alone with it (and with his sister who cheerfully volunteered to help him fold it). I think he got maybe 1/3 of it folded, from the looks of it in the basket. I also know it made it to his room. Since it was James' night to read to J, I don't know if it made it into his drawers yet or not. But he has plenty of clean underwear now.

Update to today's post

2008-10-04T12:38:00.002-04:00

FYI, there is currently a load of laundry containing only J's clothes that is being washed in the washer. He came to the basement to show me something while I was working on the laundry. I asked, "Are you sure you don't want to do laundry now? I haven't started the next load." -"no thank you." "You are collecting a pile of dirty clothes down here (pointing to his pile)." "Are they clean or dirty?" "Dirty. Do you want to wash them now?" "No." (However at this point he picked up his pile of clothes and put them in the empty washer.) Once he had loaded his clothes, I talked him through the next steps. He did it all with no complaining. Maintained a happy attitude. Next I talked him through the steps for starting the dryer (even though the wet clothes were not his) and he did. Hopefully the follow-through will go just as smoothly to get his clean clothes put away.

Regaining My Parental Authority

2008-10-04T11:25:00.002-04:00

I've decided that J needs to learn how to do laundry. I arrived at this decision this week, after J ran out of clean underwear and had to wear the same pair two days in a row. I found myself apologizing to him profusely and promising I would have clean underwear available for him after his next shower. He surprisingly handled it very well. No fits, no talking back. As I think about it, this makes sense. Because he had all the power in our exchange. The way I kept saying I was sorry put him in the driver's seat. It's no wonder he didn't say "well make sure you do get me clean underwear, woman!" right back to me. The fact of the matter is that I have been asking him to put his dirty clothes in one spot for years now. Some times he does and some times he does not. When he does not, I've been picking up after him. Now I will admit that most of his dirty underwear got to the bottom of the whites pile, and I hadn't gotten around to washing the clothes on the bottom in a while - they kept piling up on top. So the next day (after providing him with two clean pairs of underwear) I told him I was going to show him how to do the laundry this weekend. He said no, he would not learn that. "Why should I?" he asked. I told him I might break my leg like Grandma did and couldn't get to the basement to do the laundry. Besides, I said, everyone should know how to clean their own clothes. Meanwhile, I have stopped washing his clothes. Each time I start a new load, I let him know and say he has an opportunity to learn how to operate the washing machine (I'm starting small.) I have told him that if he doesn't learn how to do it, he might just run out of clean clothes. His response? The first time I said this he went into a huge fit. The second time, "I don't care." My plan is to let him know when I'm beginning a new load of laundry each time and give him the opportunity to get his clothes clean. Each time he refuses, I won't put any of his clothes in the washing machine. I've warned James that I'm doing this. I hope he won't get any of the backlash, but I don't want my son to be one of those kids who feels entitled (in this case to clean laundry) simply because he exists. Some might consider this mean. I hope one day his wife will appreciate my efforts.

Rite of Passage

2008-09-29T16:41:00.003-04:00

This weekend James and J and I were having a discussion about where all of our calculators had gotten to. I started to say, "I bought two of them (to put in stockings at Christmas)..." and then I stopped before I got to the part in parentheses. J's eyes got wide and he said "You said you bought them. That means that Santa Claus isn't really real!!!!" I stood there like a deer in headlights with a look that gave it all away. There was no more denying it. So James and I came clean. I even told him I was 8 when I figured it out just like him. I asked if he would like to help me pick out something for MC's stocking and he said yes, with his face lit up. I told him I trusted him with this information - not to spoil it for his sister or anyone else who still believes. I also told him what my mother told me. If you say you don't believe in Santa anymore, he will stop coming to bring you presents. Honestly, I'm kind of relieved. He has been asking questions for a while now and I've been wondering how I would answer them. I'm uploading a picture of him from his 8th birthday party. Can't believe how the time flies! This picture was taken at the point of the Happy Birthday song that goes "dear J..." (but you could probably figure that out yourself!)

Going Cold Turkey on Clean House

2008-09-15T18:53:00.003-04:00

Today I decided I need to take the tv show "Clean House" out of my DVR to-do list and delete all the previously recorded episodes. It isn't helping anymore. It's making me feel bad about the clutter in my house and the dust bunnies and dirt. It used to inspire me to get up and do something about it. But now I think it is contributing to the problem. If nothing else, I could be doing so many more things with my time than watching this show on tv. Even without watching the commercials I often spend an hour or more of each day watching the Clean House crew clean up other people's clutter and analyze why it got out of hand to begin with. To top it off, there is a new spin-off show called "Clean House Comes Clean." In this show the crew talk about things that happened during filming that they didn't show on the original episodes. Now I really don't need to be watching this too. Plus, when I'm watching these shows, I want to eat a snack (and often do). I sit there and think about how I have rooms in my house that look like what I'm seeing on TV. All bad stuff for my body and soul. So I'm stopping that old habit. Don't know what I'll replace it with, but sleep might be one good idea. Anyway, I'm looking for a new inspiration to mop the floors and clean the toilets, and mostly to stop the negative self-talk that's creeping in and keeping me from doing anything about the clutter. So wish me luck.

Pretend Play Can Be Very Real

2008-09-11T08:38:00.002-04:00

Just now MC came up the stairs in tears. She had been crying quietly downstairs while she was playing with her stuffed animals and dolls. I didn't hear her, but I know this because she was in that post-crying stage when a person sniffs a lot and tries to catch her breath. She went in her room and closed her door. I went in after her and asked if she was okay because she seemed so sad. She sat on her bed and said something like this: "It's just that Lucy and Sally want me to live with them but Thumper wanted me to live at his house." I guess she really felt torn about whom she would choose because they all wanted to be with her and she wanted to be with all of them. I told her she could tell them they could all live with her instead, and that seemed to help. Then I held her in my lap and read her a couple of books. So precious.

Two Kids in School

2008-09-04T14:52:00.002-04:00

I am happy to report that both of my kids have now started school. MC began preschool yesterday. J is in his second week of third grade. Since tomorrow is J's birthday, I have been very busy in my alone time so far. Tomorrow looks to be another busy day to prepare the house for his magic party that begins at 4:30. After my errands today, I think I'll have everything I need for the party here. I do have to get a mylar balloon filled and pick up a cake tomorrow. I now have to concentrate on straightening the house for five 8-year-olds to play games and have a magic show. The last time I checked the weather, tropical storm Hannah was predicted to bring rain on the party. That means that all activities have to be inside. We do have a great back yard for parties, but it will have to serve that purpose another year. If Hannah changes her path, we can always take some of the games outside.

Politics

2008-08-27T08:46:00.004-04:00

I am not sure why, but this year, I am simply not excited about the upcoming election. It really has less to do with who the candidates are and more to do with me just not being interested in keeping up with it all. I am usually a faithful watcher of the democratic convention, and even tune in to parts of the republican convention so I can see what they're up to. But I have yet to watch any convention coverage this week. In my over-analysis, I think it's due at least in part to a combination of things. First, I just spent a great deal of time watching the Olympics and losing sleep as a result. I feel too tired to stay up and watch the convention at night. School started this week, so I can't sleep in anymore and I have to get to bed earlier than my summer schedule allowed me. The second thing is that I have lost my excitement about politics since my choice for NC Governor, Bob Orr, came in last in the republican primaries. He is a member of my church and a good man. I even changed my registration to independent so I could vote for him in the primary election. Lastly, I am really coming to like my new Independent/Unaffiliated political status. It reminds me of when I was in college. I rushed to be in a sorority my freshman year and fell through, as they say. It was devastating to me, but I soon realized that being an "Independent" suited my personality much more than being associated with a particular sorority. So much so, that when one sorority actively recruited me my sophomore year, I felt strong and independent and confident that I didn't need nor want to be involved in "Greek" life. So I turned them down. I guess I'm sort of going through a rebellious period with politics. It's like I'm in the stage right after falling through Rush and just discovering that being independent is a true blessing.

Milestones

2008-08-26T09:38:00.005-04:00

Yesterday was a big day for both of my kids. Here are some photos from MC's first day of dance class. Her teacher said her class was very bright and she will be "upgrading" the class from Creative Movement, which it is called now, to Creative Pre-Ballet sometime this fall. That just means she'll actually start using some ballet terms with the movements as they learn them.
Jay started third grade. This picture was taken when he got home. He's wearing his new backpack to replace the one he had the last 3 years. So far he reports that 3rd grade is better than 2nd. One big plus is that his 4 closest friends at school are all in his class. We're all looking forward to a good year.
As for me, I am happy to be returning to a more structured and routine-filled home life. MC is home this week, but starts preschool next Wednesday. Then I'll have 5 mornings a week without the kids to do Helen-directed activities.

Endorphins

2008-08-20T12:19:00.002-04:00

It feels good to exercise. That is a statement I wouldn't have made in my earlier life. But now it really does feel good. This summer my exercise has been irregular and I'm looking forward to making it more regular. With both kids in school 5 days a week coming up, I hope to be at Curves 3 times a week and run 2-3 times a week. I'll also have taekwando twice a week. Today I was able to complete 3 full push-ups for the first time ever. A newspaper article that's posted in Curves says an adult female should be able to do 17 of them. I don't remember who made that determination or how it came about, but it's a worthy goal. If I'm on my knees, I can do more like 10 or 12 push-ups. This has all come about through taekwando.
By the way, J has added Taekwando Instructor to his list of things he wants to be when he grows up. James suggested that he could be the first zero-gravity taekwando instructor and J thought that was a great idea.

slideshow feature

2008-08-20T08:54:00.002-04:00

I added a new blog gadget today. It's a cat-photo slideshow. I can change the topic of the slideshow. I'm hoping I can figure out how to use some of my own photos. Meanwhile, I typed in "cat" and these appeared. If the changing of the photos bothers you, click on the photo and you'll see the pause button which you can click to stop it while you're reading. I'll try it for a while and see if I like it.

Approaching 40

2008-08-19T10:19:00.002-04:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about my upcoming birthday - the big 4-0. I have several friends who have passed this milestone recently and they appear to be thriving. I guess I am thriving too, but I certainly have a good deal of analyzing and reflecting and wondering going on. At times it feels like what they call a mid-life crisis, but when I take a closer look, there really is no crisis, which makes it feel more like a crisis. Where's the crisis that I'm supposed to be having?! Of course I really don't want a crisis. I just feel like I need to be prepared for one. So I'm working out all of my latest contingency plans for anything that could possibly go wrong. The way I work, I am ready and willing to edit my plans as/if needed. I just conjur them up so I can feel like I at least have a starting point should such crisis arrive at my door. I allow that I really can't anticipate how I will react in the moment, so I am okay if I need to revise my plan. In the midst of all this crisis thinking, I am also looking back at what I've accomplished (with God's help) in my 39 years, and it's not bad. Here are some of the highlights (in random order):

ran a 5K
started taking Taekwando lessons
married 11 years
two wonderful children
earned master's degree
travelled to Europe several times
own a home
have many good friendships that have lasted over the years
maintain a good relationship with my parents and family
started a blog and write in it occasionally

Of course there are more, but these feel good to me right now. I'll work on setting some goals for my 40's.

I'm Still Here

2008-08-03T15:57:00.002-04:00

I'm still here, just haven't blogged in a while. The family went to Hilton Head for a week with James' parents, which was fun. We've also been taking family tae kwan do lessons this summer; and that has been at times interesting, challenging and fun. It's consistently been exhausting both physically and mentally (especially for James and me when it comes to motivating certain family members to participate). Swimming lessons have gone well. Both kids are making good strides. J has one more week of camp starting tomorrow, and he will have lessons this week as part of that. MC finishes up her lessons this week too. I swam some laps of sorts during one of her lessons last week instead of sitting in a chair watching her. I'll do some more of that this week too, I think.

We're going to the mountains with my folks for a few days next week too. I'll enjoy the cooler weather there (hopefully it will continue to be cooler there than here when we go).

I'm drawing a blank about what to write now, but I'll try to come back again soon.

Mama Bird

2008-07-14T13:22:00.003-04:00

I have been watching this mama bird (maybe a wren - she's very small) build and rebuild a nest several times at the top of one of our front porch columns. It's a popular spot for nests each spring. We've seen baby birds over the last few years. This year has been especially stressful for the parents. Probably 3 nests have been blown down or otherwise destroyed so far this year. But now the nest is complete, and Mama sits dutifully on her eggs (can't see how many). She is committed to her task of keeping her babies safe. I can relate to that. Watching her sacrifice so much for her offspring is inspiring. And only too soon will her babies be able to fly on their own and take care of themselves. It's a big sacrifice, but I'm so glad my mother and all the other mothers in my family tree made it. And I feel blessed and privileged to be able to "sit on my eggs" and tend to my nest. I only have to think of this Mama Bird when I get tired and frustrated with my mother role. When I do, my resolve and willingness to do whatever it takes to teach my children how to fly on their own returns.

And Happy Birthday to my own Mama Bird! I love you!

Update

2008-07-11T08:39:00.003-04:00

Turns out my tooth with its new filling is fine. Apparently what I was experiencing was just "all in my head"! (You've got to laugh at that one!) I'm back to eating crunchy and chewy foods.

As for the washer/dryer, I've decided to purchase the set. My plan is to do it tomorrow online, so that delivery will be pushed back to after our vacation. I'm looking forward to my new machines.

I just checked out two more books, The New Ecological Home: A Complete Guide to Green Building Options and Redux: Designs That Reuse, Recycle, and Reveal. I am enjoying thinking about the remodeling of our house in a new way - to make it functional, comfortable, healthy, and green, while trying to stay within our current walls (the outside ones, at least).

I'm still reading Do It Herself: Everything You Need to Know to Fix, Maintain, and Improve Your Home by Joanne Liebeler. Lynn, I would highly recommend it for you. It's written by women for women and has humor throughout. J has even read some of it and said he finds it "interesting". I recently said to James that I think J would make a great architect someday, and J thought of that himself and announced it to me the other day! He now wants to be an astronaut/scientist/inventor/architect. I think I remembered all the titles-between-the-slashes.

Swimming, Dentist, and Washer/Dryer

2008-07-09T10:16:00.003-04:00

Swimming lessons are going great for both kids. MC has learned how to blow bubbles in the water, which is the first step. Now to get her to put her whole face in the water... J is advancing quickly. His teacher yesterday almost recommended for him to move up to level 3, but decided he is probably good where he is and can use this time to refine what he's learned so far. He is trying everything asked of him and building on his confidence as a swimmer more and more. Both kids seem proud of their accomplishments so far and James and I are certainly proud of them too.

Yesterday I went to the dentist to have a filling replaced. Afterwards it was extremely sore and sharp pains came when I bit down or even accidentally closed my teeth together. The dentist actually called me at home last night to see how I was doing and when I described what was going on he said I should come back today to get it fixed. He mentioned something about preventing a root canal! My imagination is making this thing turn into major oral surgery. If I do have to have a root canal, they had better sedate me.

I am trying to decide whether to purchase a new washer/dryer set. Our dryer is 15-20 years old and not working as efficiently as I would like. Our washer was purchased and installed the weekend before J was born. It still works fine, but the new front-loading washers are so much more water and energy-efficient that it might be worthwhile getting a new washer too. I just joined Costco, and they are offering a good special on a Whirlpool Duet washer/dryer pair. I have to purchase them online before this Sunday to take advantage of this offer. If anyone has any advice, please let me know.

My Latest Thoughts

2008-07-07T09:15:00.003-04:00

Today the kids have swimming lessons at the neighborhood pool (assuming the weather cooperates). J just figured out how to swim on the surface and underwater without holding his nose. He goes as far as he can for as long as he can hold his breath. He begins at level 2 today, but I expect this summer he will advance quickly. MC is repeating level 1 after a one-week hiatus. We will be at the beach with access to a pool in a couple of weeks, and I'm hoping they will solidify what they've learned so far.

Last week was Vacation Bible School at church. Both of my kids went and had fun too. Imagine that! I led the daily storytime for the whole group (which was around 80 kids) each morning. I had fun as well.

I checked out 3 books from the library last week: The Simple Home, How to Work with an Architect, and Do It Herself. So I've been thinking and dreaming about how to simplify our lives within our home and it's been an enjoyable thought process. Up until I read through these books, I'd been thinking that one day we'd have to add on to our home to get what we want out of it. But the theme throughout that I've discovered is that having less and more flexible space may be more suited to who we are as a family and what I want my kids to learn from the experience if/when we make significant changes to the house. Apparently a lot of people add on to their homes and then find they have spaces that they don't know how to use - wasted space. If/when we add on or remodel, I want to have the least possible impact on the environment while staying within our budget (which I hope to keep as small as possible). So I'm now walking around our house thinking about how we could change it on the inside to maximize our space function and suit our lifestyle and values.

My kids really are good friends and for that I am truly greatful.

More Race Day Photos

2008-06-24T09:13:00.009-04:00

Here are a few more pictures from Race Day. You can also see some on Sarah's blog.

It's hard to read here, but Sarah walked in memory of her friend Sue from London, who passed away last fall. I ran in celebration of "My Sister, Sarah Glover".

This was taken after I finished the race. My official time was 35:49, which equates to less than a 12-minute mile. The last person to finish the race took over an hour, so I am very pleased with my time. Here is a link to the results page for my age group: http://www.hermescleveland.com/roadracing/results/2008/NCTriangle/AGEGROUP.HTM#21

I want to run again next year with the goal of beating this year's time by some amount yet to be determined.

Success

2008-06-17T11:11:00.002-04:00

I did it - I finished the race and ran all the way. My friend Amanda ran with me and talked to me when we were going up the hills and I couldn't talk. Sarah was at the finish line to see me complete my first 5K. It was a thrilling and awesome and amazing experience. This video was taken by my father before Sarah and I began the 5K route again during the coed recreational walk/run. (We didn't realize he was in video mode on his camera so we were just standing there waiting for him to take our picture.) We pushed my niece E in the stroller as we walked. The temperature rose significantly and a lot of the shade disappeared in the 2 hours since my 7:00 am race - this one was hot. I appreciated my hat and sunglasses very much. It was a great day. But I had little energy left the rest of the day!

Tomorrow's the Day!

2008-06-13T09:37:00.002-04:00

Tomorrow is racing day. Thanks be to God, I am ready. The smoke from the eastern NC wildfire was very thick yesterday, but better today. I'm praying that it will remain clear for the race tomorrow. I'm not sure I could run in the air conditions present yesterday.

It's hard to believe the time is here, and that five months ago I couldn't run a mile and in fact had never tried to run before. Many thanks to Sarah for the inspiration and to Bernadette and my family and friends for all of your encouragement. Thank you James for your support and childcare during my training. Thank you to everyone who has contributed financially. Together we have raised $1300 to date, exceeding my $1000 goal!

Let's go find that Cure!

First Day of Summer Vacation

2008-06-11T13:23:00.002-04:00

I'd say the day is going pretty well so far. The kids have played well together and separately, and best of all, have not required very much of me! I've done 3 loads of laundry (actually the third is in progress), loaded the dishwasher, updated my Quicken accounts on the computer and checked to see how I'm doing with my monthly budget. Solomon came out from under our bed when I was folding clothes on it a little while ago. Despite the kids' current high-pitched shrieks downstairs, he has followed me to the computer and is getting some lap time right now. He has switched from being an outside cat in the day and inside at night to outside at night and inside during the day. Given our recent heat wave, that's a good idea for an 11-year old black cat. We didn't name him Solomon for nothing!

Got to go check on the kids.

Last Day of Second Grade

2008-06-10T09:42:00.005-04:00

Now (March 2008)

Then (Sept 2001)

Today is J's last day of school. James and I went to what will likely be the first of numerous awards celebrations for him yesterday. He was recognized for his national placement on a math competition that he took part in after school in March. There were quite a few others from his school who were recognized with him, including some who performed better than him in his grade level. When he stood up he was obviously very proud of himself, as he should be, and he has never gotten upset that he did not finish the highest among his school peers. This is a mark of some maturity and a little relaxing of his perfectionism, which makes me proud. It was good to see how far he has come.

No More Chips

2008-06-06T15:08:00.001-04:00

I just ate the bag of chips I brought home with me.

What I Did

2008-06-06T12:34:00.003-04:00

After dropping off MC at camp, I went to the bank to deposit a check for J's savings account and to cash some checks that I had collected for a friend whose mother just died last week. She has 4 boys ages 3 to 8, so a group of us thought a babysitting fund would be helpful for her. Then I stopped by her house and delivered the cash. I was able to stay and talk with her for a few minutes and learn a little more about her mother. I enjoyed my time with her.

Then I drove to the mall, sale coupons in hand, to buy myself something. First I stopped at Panera Bread for my breakfast/lunch and took the time to sit down and eat it. Then I went to Eddie Bauer, my favorite clothing store, and looked, picked up several things for me and for Father's Day presents, then put them all back, feeling that nothing was "calling" to me, whatever that means.

So I stopped at Sharper Image, which is going out of business and where everything is on sale, but still rather pricy, where I shopped for Father's Day stuff, but left with nothing. I did run into the mother of one of J's best friends, and we talked about planning some time for the two kids to spend together this summer. I hope we don't fall through on that. I'll do my best.

Lastly I went to Belk, looking for dresses. I found lots of dresses marked 50% off, and even tried on two of them. Again, they were close, but not "calling" to me to spend the money on them. I did get a cell phone call from a friend while I was shopping, which was good. It's always good to talk with her. So I left the mall empty-handed, but my purse still contains the unopened bag of chips that came with my sandwich. Yes, I said unopened!

So I picked up MC from camp, which she said she "hated" and I remarked that that was a strong word for such a little person. This remark didn't phase her. She's ready for our beach trip, which won't be until mid-July.

And now I'm here writing this down on my blog.

I think I enjoyed most of my morning. I certainly enjoyed the air conditioning at the mall in this 99-degree humid heat! And I enjoyed moving at my own pace and connecting with some nice people at various points in my morning. And my sandwich was very good too.

What to do?

2008-06-06T08:43:00.003-04:00

Now here is a very unusual predicament for me: I don't know what I'm going to do with my free time today! Today is MC's last day (morning) of camp and J is still in school. I had plans to meet a friend for bagels but she just called to reschedule, so my morning is now freed up.

I hear my perfectionism calling - this has to be the perfect day!! I must make the most of it. Maybe I can keep that "p" word from rearing its ugly head any more than it already has. I think the main thing is that I should enjoy whatever I do. So I will now get dressed to take MC to camp and see where that leads me.

I'll keep you posted, because I know you are anxiously waiting to find out what I will do today (thanks for being interested).

I've been tagged!

2008-06-02T15:28:00.003-04:00

I've been tagged by Marie. To learn more about Marie, go to Sarah's blog where she has a link to Marie's blog. I read what Sarah wrote after Marie tagged her, and I like the concept. My only problem is I only know Sarah and Marie who blog and they have already been tagged. So I guess I won't be able to tag anyone else at this time, but I'll play along by following the first of three blog-tag rules. The rules are: 1) Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog, some random, some weird. 2) Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs. 3) Let them know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

7 Weird/Random Facts about Helen:

1. I am a speech pathologist with a word-finding problem, yet rarely at a loss for words.

2. I have, according to my sister who read a book on palm-reading, a "murderer's thumb" on my left hand.

3. I am left-handed for detailed work and right-handed for power work (having a murderer's thumb really helps with those details!).

4. I finally made the middle school cheerleading squad after trying out three times, and even then I got on as a substitute, or back-up cheerleader (I think there is a better-sounding label for what I was, but as I mentioned I have this word-finding, oh yes: alternate.)

5. I like cucumbers but really dislike pickles.

6. I have trouble understanding the lyrics of songs on the radio. (I thought the words "...the heat of the moment" in a song I heard in elementary school were actually "Lead on the Mormons" - really, ask Sarah.)

7. People tell me I'm funny and it always surprises me (I think most of my sense of humor lies between parentheses marks, actually).

8. A bonus fact: I love doing this sort of thing (basically I like to talk about myself, or anything I can get anyone to listen to - I love an audience :)

So Proud of Him

2008-05-19T07:35:00.002-04:00

I am so proud of my son, who participated fully in yesterday's choir singing in church. We got to church on time, with relatively little morning stress. He told me he would be able to handle it and he was right. I don't know what helped him overcome his anxiety yesterday that wasn't present in him before, but I suspect, in addition to God's blessing, he simply willed it to happen. The end of the year party was on the line, afterall. I am happy to say our whole family will be attending this event Wednesday night.

Reaching My Goal

2008-05-17T14:14:00.003-04:00

Today I ran a longer course around the neighborhood than I had before. It took me about 40 minutes to complete, and I was anxious to drive it and determine how many miles I had run. Well, it turns out that my mileage today was exactly 3.1 miles. This number just happens to be equal to 5K. So I have made my goal. When you do the math, I ran on average 1 mile in 13 minutes. The first time I could run a mile it took me around 18 minutes, if I recall correctly. It feels good to see what I have been able to accomplish. The Komen Race for the Cure is June 14, which is exactly 4 weeks from today. I'll be starting at the end of the group of competitive runners. I certainly won't be anywhere near the front finishers, who will be running something like 5-minute miles, but that doesn't matter. I will be able to run the entire distance, and there is a chance I won't be the last person to finish in the competitive category. I have also exceeded my fundraising goal for the race. From Sarah's and my contacts, we have raised over $1100. My goal was $1000. Thank you to all of my supporters and fans of my sister. Sarah is doing great after her surgery, by the way, and she got a good/clean pathology report this time too - the first since she got the cancer diagnosis. Yay!

Letting Him Change His Mind

2008-05-08T13:49:00.004-04:00

Well, J is back in choir. He approached me a few days ago, hoping I wouldn't be mad, and saying he really wanted to come back to choir. How could I say no? James asked him what made him change his mind, and you know what he said? "I just want Mommy to be happy." I told him I wanted him to be happy too, and I hoped he was coming back not just for me. He lost an opportunity for a solo part during his absence, but he handled that very well, and at last night's rehearsal participated 100%. I'm proud of him, and hope he will be able to handle singing in front of the congregation on May 18th. At least after that we're done for the summer.

This afternoon I get to go to J's school for a special treat. Since we won't be there tomorrow for the Mother's Day Breakfast (we're travelling out of state for a wedding), J gets to make his presentation about me to the class today. My mom will keep MC for me so that I can have this special time with just my son. I'm looking forward to it, and I purposely am not wearing mascara. My eyes might just leak a bit.

Church Girls

2008-05-02T19:45:00.002-04:00

Here is a photo from the "Church Girls" number that I was in during the Millennium Follies.

Sarah's Doing Well

2008-05-02T08:52:00.005-04:00

Sarah's surgery on Wednesday went as expected. She is at home and doing well. I am amazed and awed by the people who love her. She has good friends.

Girls in Boxes

2008-04-29T19:18:00.004-04:00

This photo was taken of MC and her cousin E on Saturday when we went to visit E and her Mommy in Greensboro. Despite E's fever and overall not-feeling-well-ness, the girls had some fun playing together.

Letting Him Choose for Himself

2008-04-27T12:18:00.003-04:00

This morning the choir I direct at church sang during the service. They did an excellent job, as usual. The hard part was my son wasn't there. That in itself is not unusual. He's been sporadically showing up to sing this year. If I'm honest, he's been sporadically participating in church choir ever since he began in the youngest choir 4 years ago. He loves to sing, but apparently gets nervous and embarrassed when in front of the congregation. Sundays when the choir sings have become extremely stressful for our whole family as a result of this conflict within him. So James and I decided to give him the choice of dropping out of choir for the rest of this year or finding it within him to participate as expected and staying with it through one more performance in May. After much hemming and hawing, he told us he had decided to not be in choir. I have to pretend that this doesn't matter to me. If I am honest, I really want him to be in choir. But I hate to see him in such torment. He was in tears at rehearsal on Wednesday night. Also if I'm honest, I want him to be in the choir because he wants to do it, not because he wants to please me. So it has to be okay for him to make this decision for himself. I have to be okay with his choice, too. And I will. But it is really hard. And I am holding out hope that he will join us again when choir resumes in the fall. Maybe some time to miss it will help him decide to come back. It's times like this when I'd rather be up all night for feedings and diaper changes than watch him grow up and decide things that don't match my expectations and hopes for him.

Life After the Follies

2008-04-23T08:25:00.003-04:00

Well, we did it, and it was a great night. We had over 200 people in the audience and put on a show that touched people's emotions from many angles. Before expenses we had raised close to $25,000. This will put 5 Sudanese women through one year of Seminary in the Anglican church there, as well as provide funds to build two bathrooms in a dormitory that is being built for them.

I had a fun night. I got to dress up in Sarah's bridesmaid dress. My mom hemmed it so that I wouldn't trip over it on stage. She also took a sequiny/shiny silver piece of fabric belonging to my niece and turned it into a cummerbund which I wore over the dress to complete my fancy look. It was kind of like being Cinderella, though, because the next day my mom took out the hem and I've taken it to the cleaner's where they will press the crease from the temporary hem and make it look like it was before. I'll return it to Sarah this weekend when MC and I go to Greensboro on Saturday. I hope to get copies of some pictures to share, but none are in my camera, so I have to wait.

I also had my hair put up by my hairdresser and my makeup done at the Bobbi Brown counter, so I was feeling especially Cinderella like in that way too. I removed 75 bobby pins and one rubber band from my hair when I took it down!

The audience was fantastic. They cheered and clapped and loved every minute of it. During Operator, I didn't hear the music that was to bring us into the last verse after an instrumental interlude. As a result, it took all of us a few measures to get back on track. We did it though, and had a strong finish. Aside from that glitch (the keyboardist later told me he had lost his place in the music during the interlude), I absolutely loved singing it and felt on fire with the Spirit. Before this experience, I had no idea I had that stuff in me. Now I am looking for more opportunities to sing like that again. It was a spiritually transforming experience that I will never forget.

Multi-tasking

2008-04-17T08:34:00.003-04:00

Here are some of the things I am managing in my life right now:

Being a wife - James and I invested in a babysitter for the past two nights and each night we went out together and had some dating time. We haven't done this for us in a while, and it is really important. Being a wife takes energy, and I find that I have more of it when I manage the other parts of my life better.
Being the caretaker of the home - This isn't going so well right now. The energy (and spare time) I do have right now is more focused toward being a loving wife and mother. I do think all the clutter and dust bunnies and pollen in the house is negatively affecting our attitudes a bit. However, I must put off most of this work for now for the sake of my family's sanity. I am doing a fairly good job at providing clean clothes for my family to wear, but not necessarily getting the clean clothes to the target drawers and closets.
Being a mother - I'm glad it's still the school year. J is in school during the day, which is good for everyone. MC has preschool Wed. and Fri. mornings. This week my time when she's in school is especially precious to me for managing all other aspects of my life. The energy it takes to be mom to my 2 kids is tremendous. Most of it is mental energy, trying to plan ahead and predict how the kids will react and hopefully prevent major tantrums.
Fitting in exercise - When I have childcare, I try to go to Curves for part of my exercise routine. There are machines there that help strengthen my muscles and increase my heart rate, but more importantly there is a support system of friends there that feed me mentally and spiritually when I go. I am also training for the 5K in June. I've been going to physical therapy to strengthen my quad muscles and help with my knee pain from running. Yesterday I ran 2.3 miles. I've got .8 miles to add to my routine to get to the 3.1 miles that equal 5K. When the weather turns hot and muggy, I may have to adjust the time of day when I run.
Directing the children's choir - We rehearse on Wednesday nights and sing in church again on 4/27. There are 25 kids on the roll, with average attendance of 21 each week. We also will sing on 5/18, and are working on both anthems currently.
Singing in the adult choir - Our church choir has been extremely busy lately. Last Sunday we sang for the confirmation service, in which the Bishop confirmed or received some 60 people into the Episcopal church. He said that was more than he had done in the past several years! We also sang during an Evensong service held this past Tuesday night. Peter Gomes, the well-known Harvard preacher and minister spoke at this service, which was attended by 465 people, many from other churches in the area. The choir is also singing at the Millennium Follies this Saturday.
Producing the Millennium Follies - I am involved in the production aspect of the Follies, finding volunteers, helping with wording of the programs, making decisions with the committee about the putting-on of this event.
Participating in the Millennium Follies - I am involved in three numbers in the Follies, trying to find time to practice on my own and attend required rehearsals with the groups. On Saturday I am having my hair put in an "up-do" by my hair dresser for the occasion. I am also going to wear the bridesmaid dress that my sister wore in my wedding!
Being a member of the Vestry - I was elected to the Vestry at church for a three-year term beginning this January. So far I really enjoy my work on the Vestry. We are kicking off a capital campaign this month to expand our church facility and replace our organ, in which the Vestry will be closely involved.
Serving as Immediate Past President for ECW - This role is wonderfully less demanding than my role as president last year. Much thanks goes to the current president Elizabeth for all of her hard work.
Teaching second grade Sunday School - James and I are teachers in J's SS class on a rotating basis. We taught last Sunday and again one more time in May before letting out for the summer.
Getting ready to help Sarah - My main function will be to coordinate all the folks who want to help out Sarah in the days surrounding her upcoming surgery on 4/30.
Posting on my blog - as you can see, with all my multi-tasking, this blog does not get expanded upon daily. However, I like having a place to put some of my thoughts. If you read all the way down here, thank you! You must be one of my favorite people to want to read all this!

I've signed up!

2008-04-10T14:19:00.002-04:00

Here is the link to my webpage for the Race for the Cure. You can go there to make a donation in support of me as I run my first 5K on June 14th. Here's to you, Sarah!

http://race.komennctriangle.org/site/TR/Race/General?px=1244467&pg=personal&fr_id=1030&et=6kyo_1zycK2M9fKMoqGzqA..&s_tafId=7320

Unleashing My Soul

2008-04-02T10:46:00.002-04:00

It's been a long time since I've sung like this. Maybe not even ever, really. I'm classically trained, and pretty conservative when I sing. But as I've been getting older, and getting more in shape, I'm discovering my voice has a wider range both in pitch and in character. On Saturday I sang two songs from Oklahoma! at a breakfast honoring a group of breast cancer survivors. Both songs were well-received, and I really loved doing it. It felt so good.

The other opportunity for this fun type of singing is the Millennium Follies we're putting on at church on April 19th. We're raising money in support of one of the UN's Millennium Development Goals - to promote gender equality and empower women. Our funds raised will go to women entering the Episcopal Church Seminary in the Sudan.

Anyway, we're putting on this show, and I am in several numbers. One of them includes some dancing. (I even bought myself some new dancing shoes!) I am loving doing it and singing in this fun style. Another number is called "Operator", which is being sung by a quartet and soloist (that's me, if I can pull it off). It's got a little gospel edge to it. The main words are "Operator, information. Please get me Jesus on the line." We're doing the version of the song as performed by Manhattan Transfer. The solo has lots of bluesy notes and some are very high! I'm working with a coach tonight to improve the solo. The kids have had a lot of fun hearing and watching me practice at home. They practically know the song themselves. It's pretty cute to hear MC singing it to herself when no one is looking. J has been doing some dancing with me too. Lots of fun.

It's a little scary, but sooo good for me to stretch myself this way. I feel free when I'm dancing and singing without holding back. It's like my soul is being unleashed for the first time. I gotta stay connected to that Jesus!

Easter Celebration

2008-03-27T09:00:00.002-04:00

Here are the kids on Easter afternoon with MC's Godparents, Courtney and Jerry. They brought cascarones (I hope I got that right), or confetti eggs to help celebrate Easter. These are real egg shells dyed and filled with confetti. Here MC demonstrates how to crack one over Jerry's head. As you can see, she had a similar experience on her head.

Writer's Block

2008-03-27T08:39:00.002-04:00

I think that's what it's called when you can't think of what to write. Guess I have a case of that now. Topics that are on my mind are: my foot hurts, I'm nervous about singing in front of an audience on Saturday, I should post a picture here, I love that I don't have to follow traditional grammar rules for my postings if I don't want to.

Words still aren't coming.

For those of you who check my blog periodically because you actually think I might have something worth reading, thank you! You are my inspiration. I work better when I have an audience.

Still nothing.

A garbage truck just drove by our house.

Solomon is taking a nap on the guest bed.

Birds are chirping outside our window. Solomon likes to look out and watch them.

waiting for my pants to dry

2008-03-10T08:41:00.004-04:00

I plan to go work out this morning. However, both pairs of my workout pants are in the dryer right now. I really don't have anything else to wear that suits the type of exercise I plan to do. So, I figure I'll write something here in the meantime.

Here it is, Monday again, and I don't remember what I did this weekend. This happens to me all the time. Even activities from the day before are hard to conjure up for me sometimes. I live so much in the future or the planning and contemplating of the future, that the past becomes hazy. Some of it anyway.

What did I do this weekend? Let's see...

On Friday, the kids went to school. I didn't go to Curves, but spent some of my time by myself in my house. I picked up a few things that were laying on the floor and put them away. I believe I actually posted something on my blog. I felt kind of sad most of the day. We had leftover spaghetti sauce on actual spaghetti noodles for supper. (The first time I served it was over spiral pasta.) Despite this radical menu change, J refused to eat it because he wasn't about to eat the same thing twice in one week. To his credit, however, he simply announced this and went into another room while we ate. He never complained nor ate anything else the rest of the night. He was hungry at breakfast on Saturday, though.

On Saturday, I got to sleep in until just before 9:00. The kids watched tv and James did his own thing after he got up with MC. I cooked frozen biscuits at MC's request, as well as some dairy-free "cheese" blintzes. I got to eat one of those, because it technically didn't have any cheese in it, and I'm not eating cheese this Lent. The weather was reasonably warm, but quite windy. Before lunch, I ran around the neighborhood. My knees had been bothering me lately, so I took a flatter route, and perhaps shortened my distance just a tad. Pretty sure it was close to my current record of 2.4 miles. I also did a lot of stretching before and after the run, and again later in the day. This, coupled with 2 ibuprofen tablets taken at bedtime led to me waking up Sunday morning with no pain in my knees. I think the stretching may be the key. I hope so anyway. The family went to Moe's for supper, using a buy-one, get one free coupon that came in the mail. James and I changed the clocks in the house during the day, unannounced to the kids. This amazingly led to a smooth transition into Daylight Saving Time.

On Sunday, we went to church as usual. The time change really wasn't a factor. MC insisted on wearing a new dress I bought for her at a consignment shop in Greensboro when I visited Sarah last week. This beautiful dress, worn by a friend of the owner as a child in the '50's, is made of soft green velvet with a lace collar and trim. It is probably a size 6-7, maybe 8. MC wears 3-4 in dresses, so it was like a floor-length dress for her. She loved it. Thanks to my sis for spotting it in the store (and only for $5.00).

We went to Irregardless for lunch (AKA "Funny Arthur's Place") and had a nice time there, as well as good food. I ordered the grilled salmon, and MC announced when it arrived that she wasn't going to smell my food, because she didn't like the way it smelled. Oddly enough, it smelled like grilled fish! We had leftovers from James' birthday meal on Thursday night for supper. Jay didn't seem to mind leftovers this time. No leftovers tonight, though. I have to start over, just haven't figured out what yet.

So that was my weekend, basically. It was good. I got over my sadness for most of the weekend, but it is coming back again today. My pants should be dry in less than 20 minutes, so hopefully exercise will help my mood.

Friday, March 7th

2008-03-07T12:34:00.002-05:00

It's one of those days. Everything seems overwhelming, then that little voice tries to talk me into doing something small and I do. And I feel a little better. Then after a few minutes everything seems overwhelming again. It's chilly and raining outside. It would feel so good to crawl back under the covers. But I talk myself out of that.

I looked up the local Race for the Cure to see how to sign up a team. I didn't see a link that would let me start a team, but it looks like that will be forthcoming on the website. It said in the meantime to encourage people to join the team. So, please join our team if you can. The minimun number of team members is 10. I don't think we will all have to register at the same time, but I'll find that out soon. It is preferable that people register online - makes it easier to keep track of everyone's registration and funds raised through the website. To register, you need to pay around $30, which includes a race t-shirt. If you want to check out the website yourself, the link is: http://www.komennctriangle.org/

So with this posting comes a little wave of energy and positive feelings. I don't know how long it will last, but I'll try to do a little more towards the overwhelming amount of things scattered about my house.

Good Day

2008-03-05T08:31:00.002-05:00

I spent yesterday with Sarah. Despite getting caught walking in a drenching downpour, and Sarah finding more questions she needs to get answered before she makes her surgery plans, it was a good day. I love my sister. I also love my parents and my husband who took care of the kids while I was gone and allowed me to spend the day with Sarah. And I love my kids who were able to handle a different routine that did not include me yesterday.

It feels good to help. Sarah asked me to help coordinate all the offers of help that will no doubt be forthcoming when she has her next surgery. It will be fun for me to do. This week I plan to check into Zoomerang, an online survey tool that I will use to assign people to help her with needs that fit their gifts and schedules during her recovery.

Also this week I will look into officially setting up a team for Race for the Cure. Sarah and I talked about our financial goal for the team. We have a number in mind that we believe is attainable, so stay tuned for a link that you can follow to sign up on our team and/or to make a financial donation to our cause.

I ran 2.4 miles on Sunday afternoon. My knees have hurt some since, but I think I can do it again today. The only question is whether my running shoes have dried out from yesterday's experience in the rain (they were dripping wet). If not today, I'll find time tomorrow.

learning to run

2008-02-25T15:49:00.002-05:00

I've started training to run my first 5K race -the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure here in Raleigh on June 14th. Last year I walked it with friends from Nursing Mothers of Raleigh. This year Lynn and I (and anyone else who wishes to join us) are going to run it together in honor of my sister Sarah. I've been training for 2 weeks so far. Today I ran 2.0 miles without stopping, which is 2/3 of the way to the 3.1 miles that equal 5K. I've never jogged before in my life. It takes 2 bras and new, high-stability running shoes with inserts to keep me properly aligned and pain-free while I run. So far I have not had any trouble with my knees being sore after running. In the past I have figured I couldn't run because of knee trouble I've had all my life, but I'm hoping this good trend continues and my past worries are unsubstantiated.

It feels great so far. I am not looking to beat a certain time in the race, just to run it entirely. I want to create a team to walk or run this race for Sarah. Any of you who read this blog and want to participate, please let me know. I'll look into starting up a team. If you are not able to participate, but wish to contribute financially to our team in support of breast cancer research, I'll keep you posted as to how to do that too.

I also challenge each of you to take your exercise level up one notch this spring, in whatever form you find is fun and/or convenient for you to do. Whenever I get to the edge of my physical limit, I just think of Sarah and other people I know and love who have been through and overcome major life challenges and I am inspired to go just a little further.

I'm proud of me.

2008-02-08T12:15:00.001-05:00

Since I posted my thoughts on my blog earlier today, I have actually made a lot of progress in my house. I covered the van trunk floor with bags of clothing I had already set aside (but left in the guest room) to give away, plus two shopping bags of give away items set aside in the basement. But get this - to the items already set aside I added the following today:

my graduate school graduation gown and hood
my prom dress
my senior voice recital dress from college
a dress I wore to the Homecoming dance my sophomore year in college
my old lab coat
Christmas decorations that I never used, and decided not to repack with the Christmas stuff this year
3 pool floaties for infants

As I write this, I am having some regret about letting these things go. Maybe I should really hold on to that hood... (If you think I shouldn't let these things go, please do not tell me!) They are in the van and I am going to drop them off at Good Will when I'm in the area this afternoon.

The good news, I remind myself, is that in taking those things out of the closet, I freed up enough space to store 3 rubbermaid containers of seasonal clothes, my suitcase, and 2 other bags (both of which probably need to be released too, but I will save for another day). That freed up floor space in the guest room and the master bedroom. And that feels good.

When I had the Homecoming dress cleaned (almost 20 years ago!), they hung it on this special bust-form hanger. Together with the mass of plastic wrapped around it, this item alone freed up 5 inches of space in my closet!

New Habits Are Hard to Make

2008-02-08T08:41:00.000-05:00

Today I am simply writing just so I can publish a posting on my blog. It has been a few weeks since I last did it. My typical reasoning for not writing is that I don't have anything funny to say. I like saying funny things, and I don't want my blog to make me look like too serious of a person. (Can anybody say perfectionist here?)

A few days ago I asked my mother to call me on it whenever she noticed my perfectionism rearing its ugly head in an inappropriate way. That is, when it stops me from getting clutter out of my house, or stops me from getting something done that I have been procrastinating on, or that prevents me from acting on dreams of mine, no matter how small they may be.

Perfectionism is a wonderful tool when it is used to help organize a meeting that I am running, or a project I'm putting together (as long as I can reach a stopping point). When I am accountable to someone else, I put my perfectionism skills to work to make sure I provide them with my best service/outcome/etc.

Here are some of the things I say to myself that reek of inappropriate perfectionism:

I'm not going to write in my journal because I don't have the perfect journaling spot in my house.
I'm not going to post something on my blog because I don't have anything funny to say.
I can't clean my house properly because I don't have the right hard-wood floor cleaner-upper-machine.
I can't take unwanted or unused items out of my house to give away because I don't have the space to sort and organize them first. (And I don't have the time to sort and organize them first.)
I can't start writing thank you notes because there are so many and I don't want someone to feel neglected because they didn't get one in a timely manner when others did, and I don't have a block of uninterrupted time to write all of them at once.
I can't exercise today because both of my kids are home from school and one is sick.
We have to eat at a restaurant today because I don't have the ingredients for a traditional supper on hand. (And I don't have the time or energy to cook. - this I'm saying already at 8:50am about supper!)

I think I am making my point here. So any of you that read this and know me and have opportunity to communicate with me, please follow my mother's lead at my request. If you notice my perfectionistic tendencies interfering with my quality of life and/or the work I am capable of getting done, please point this out to me. I suggest you say something like, "Helen, remember what you asked us to help you with?..." That simple question should do the trick.

On to the Purple Party!

2008-01-21T16:58:00.000-05:00

MC's Pink Party was a great success. I think all the girls (and J) had a wonderful time. Now, however, MC is looking foward to her next birthday party, which she has announced will be a Purple Party. She has absolutely no concept of a year, however. She asked me if we would go to a store to buy purple things for her party. I said we certainly would. She then said something like (in a pouty voice), "We need to get more purple things because if we don't, I'll just have to have a party that's a little bit decorated." (Then added a classic pout and put her head down.)

Happy Birthday, MC!

2008-01-17T10:56:00.000-05:00

Today is MC's 3rd birthday. This photo was taken before Christmas - you can see the tree in the background. She was very proud of this outfit she had picked out. I was especially fond of the tights-over-pants look, not to mention the way her stripes are so brightly coordinated.

I told her today was her birthday when I went into her room this morning. She gave me her biggest smile and did a little excited-dance. After about 2 bites of breakfast, she declared, "I need to get dressed now because I want to be all ready when the people get here." She was referring to the people invited to her Pink Party. This event is scheduled for Saturday morning, however - 2 days away. So I tried to explain it to her, but her concept of time is so not there. (Ironically this is similar to how my grandmother with Alzheimer's Disease reacts to events.)

I just hope this doesn't turn out like J's 4th birthday, when after all the celebrations were said and done, he claimed he was 7 (turning a year older at each event)! Now that he's really 7, he laughs when we tell him this story.

I suppose I should have learned my lesson from that experience, but no. I want to include special people in MC's life, and not all of them can come at the same time, so we have several birthday celebrations lined up. I am torn about having so many different celebrations spread out over several days, and beyond, because having numerous celebrations gets to be very confusing for a young child. What's a mom who loves birthdays to do?

Next year her birthday will be on a Saturday, I think, which should simplify things greatly.

Progress

2008-01-10T16:42:00.000-05:00

Today I emptied 5 boxes and went through their contents. I have 4 empty boxes for recycling, and one that contains everything I wanted to save. These things now need to be put in their homes, or I need to make a home for them. I also found 2 boxes of old speech-language pathology notebooks, textbooks, and professional papers. I will seal and label these 2 boxes and get them out of our guest room and into an appropriate spot in the basement. My other great accomplishment in the guest room today (4 of the 5 boxes I cleaned out were in the guest room; the other from my bedroom) is taking a plastic milk crate full of papers to be recycled to the curb and watching the recycling truck come and take them all away. I now have a crate I can use as a sorting bin! You need to know how great an accomplishment this is - I think that crate full of recyclable papers had been sitting idle for over a year.

I feel good about what I've done today. I think James might even notice some of the results. Even if he doesn't, it still feels good. I did this!